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Once I flip the light out, I kick off my pants and shirt and slide in between her body and the wall, doing my best not to shake her Shedizzy and sick, so I start to stroke her hair, trying to taed to create

"I hope you find it, Joshy" I pause, my breath held and my hand an inch away from her head, frozen in my almost touch

"Find what?" I say, the knot in my throat impossible to s

"The Boston shirt It was always my favorite I hope you find it" And that’s the last word she utters before her breathing turns heavy and her throat gives way to the tiny vibrations of a snore

Joshy Not Josh, or I was thinking about Josh’s shirt, or sorry, was just thinking about Josh But Joshy An intimate pet name, full of all kinds of…shit, I don’t knohat the fk it’s full of--but that one word That goddamned name! That name I can’t even hate because Josh is dead And Rowe has no clue And clearly Joshy is still alive and well in her subconscious

For the next hour, I stare at her, watching her small movements while she sleeps Every flit of her eyelid o back to him, or find him, or talk to hio, but because he’s gone And whether I like it or not, I’host

Chapter 27

Rowe

"Coo ho little hints ever since the Halloween party about not going hoood at ignoring them

"Why don’t you just tell him you want to come with us? I’ outof finals studying Cass pouts when I do, knowing she’s probably lost her battle to dragher lips flap while she flops on her back on my bed behind me, her face still in full-sour mode

"Because you’re afraid you like hiot so bold with s seeirl who barely woke up fro anything, but her eyes flash with a brief moment of sadness before she rolls her head to the other side, and she starts picking at the corner ofher knees to her chest "Come do Pilates with me"

I lie back next to her and let out a si breath "I’ htly like Cass is

"I know, but I like to pretend it is It’s really just ing, but it makes me feel better…you know, if I call it Pilates?" she says, pulling her face tightly to her kneecaps,

"Yeah…it does," I say, pullingto look at her with a soft so"

She shakes her head no And I don’t blame her I was afraid once, too Still a our eyes locked so we can talk silently, like I’ to pull her sadness out of her heart and cure it for her I think Cass would be content to lie here like this next to ht, but the soft knock on the door wakes us fro to theher hair

"Hey, study buddy," Nate says, walking in with his heavy backpack loaded with probably every book he owns "Can I crash your big night-out plans?" The grin onmy response obvious

"Gah! You two are cute, but when I want to be pissy--you kind of e’s party I’ll be ho her phone, wallet and keys in the back pocket of her jeans

"Ty’s wearing…an interesting T-shirt," Nate says, biting his cheek and sly at me My latest bribe to him was that he had to wear this special shirt Nate and I ordered for him It reads: "It’s past my bedtime, and I want my milky wilky and my widdle teddy weddy bear nao, I told him he could find his next party shirt in hisout of this little grudgeon You know, in this scenario, I’ shirt," she says, and Nate and I both seeet the same idea at the very saer to catch up with us "Oooooooh no! You two are not pullingcreative ideas to make shirts for me!"