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THE NORMAL RUSH of adrenaline and anxiety I feel before a gaet it back Not even when the tea one another up in the locker room Not even when I don ives a particularly good speech about rising above our underdog status Win this gaaet picked for one of the big ones

But I can’t quite see the future stretching out in front of o There’s a wall, and I knoon’t get past it until things are right with Nell

She’s part of my future

That’s why I can’t picture it

Coach Cole stops me before I head out onto the field and asks, "You ready?"

I nod as much as et the coin flip and receive first, I’ you out to receive"

"Sir?" I ask, confused

"Gregory has so He’s out So I need someone fast who can replace him on the kickoff I need a playmaker Think you can handle that?"

"Yes, sir," I answer i no

Well, not me precisely, but it’s Nell’s voice in my head

Coach heads for the tunnel that leads out onto the field, and I follow him, but the dark corridor is tooearlier this week, and I finda kickoff is one of the erous plays in football, so aether When the kick returner catches the ball, they’re usually in the end zone The defense is co full speed from the other side of the field The returner can take a knee, and his team will autoood returners can gain more than twenty-five if they’re quick, can find the holes, and break through tackles But with players coather momentum, kick returners take some of the hardest hits in football

I tell myself that maybe on’t win the coin flip, maybe I won’t have to worry about it Yet

But we do The setting sun glints off the flipping coin, and McClain says, "We’ll receive"

Then I tell myself maybe it won’t come to my side of the field Maybe the kick will end up outside my territory, and so the field My cleats sink into the grass, and the thud of my heart echoes all the way up into my head and fills

I see the opposing teah arc of it with ht for ins its descent toward ht with Nell on fast-forward

And so toward me and all the fears crammed into my skull that I realizeNell wanted me to be realistic about the concussion I’ with Lina; this wasn’t aboutshe deemed smarter or more worthy Nell’s last words before I cut her off and started to yell were "You have to take care of yourself, if you want to--"