Page 55 (1/2)

I jerk around, and she barely skids to a stop before sla intois too close as I yell, "It’s for me, damn it It’s not for you It’s not for my friends Did you ever think of that while you were dissecting me? My life? The way I amI do that for me"

My heart thuds in my ears so loud I’m surprised it doesn’t echo in the tunnel, too Nell ss, and I can see those big eyes working, studyingaround the pieces of me in her head to fit this new development

"Why?"

One da I want her to say because I kno my ansill sound Pathetic boy with a broken heart pretending so it doesn’t hurt It’s so goddamn ridiculous

"Because it helps Helped"

She lifts a hand like she wants to touch ing in the air between us as she asks, "With what?"

Then I tell her everything about Lina Withand the walls so that I don’t have to look at her, I tell her how in love I was

"She was this brilliant, confident girl The kind of girl that when you look at her, you know she can do anything, be anything She had the whole fucking world in the palm of her hand, and she had me there, too From the moment I met her But you can’tyou can’t love so to prove To her To the world I needed everyone to know that we belonged together That even if I wasn’t soue schools that were practically begging for her attention, I was i places So when it looked like football could do that for e ball I had to go pro There was no other option She and football were linked in reat loves of iven whatever it took, to keep theged, that h to put a dent in my ribs

"What happened?" she asks

And finally, I look at her Only she’s not looking at aze on the circle of light ht up in it all I was so focused on provinginEvery tiht up football, she would tell me to be realistic, that I needed to have a backup plan in case it didn’t work out But all I could hear was that she didn’t trust h"

"For football? Or her?" Nell’s voice is s my hand over my face "Both It was always both"

"Senior year, I narrowed it down to two schools Rusk, which had the bigger program and was closer to home, and a smaller Division Two school that was not too far from the university that Lina had chosen I was torn Rusk was the better place to prove myself, but it was too far away frora noticed in Division Tas a lot ser university eventually, but it was a risk In the end, though, it didn’tto commit to the Division Two school She said that anted different things out of life Her exact words were sos But I was so stuck on football that I didn’t knohen it was ti around while I relivedas I could"