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"Kids like him always have the same story And it always ends up the sa up inviolence Words like that, people like my fatherthey’re the reason Silas feels like he doesn’t fit in my world And honestly, I’m not even sure that’s the kind of world I want to be in
"Then why adopt me?" I ask "If you think people are only products of where they caewhy bother?"
"Oh sweetheart," Mo across the table for ood ones"
I pull ood ones He’s dealtis dealing with a lot And if you knew him--"
"I don’t need to know hiuys like hih that university? I’et an education in exchange for thein on the teahter"
I shake e to cry I can’t believe I ever contributed to this, that I ever made Silas feel like any of this was true
"You do need to know him, Dad Because I’m pretty sure I’m in love with him"
"Don’t be ridiculous," Mother says fast "You and Henry have only been apart a month or two"
I look at her then, pause, and make sure she sees the seriousness in ether I don’t love hie Not ever"
"You’re overreacting Henry hurt you, and now you’re lashing out in the best way you kno I understand that And this Silas is certainly attractive, so I don’t bla confused"
"You think I’h "For the first time maybe ever, I know exactly how I feel and exactly what I think And you’re not going to tellto convince me I don’t knoho I a you don’t knoho you are" Dad cuts in "But perhaps if you’ll sit back and think--"
"I didn’t knoho I was," I tell the up now "Not until Silas Before thatI hatever you wanted me to be Or whatever Henry wanted I was so worried that I’d lose you, that you wouldn’t loveother than what you considered the perfect daughter But I’m not perfect I can’t be Not even if I was still interested in trying And Silashe was the only person to see that To see how hollow I’d let uided Not anymore"
Mom stands and comes around the table toward me She cupsyou in You’re our daughter And we love you noIt’s not even about his issues You knohat guys on those teaht, and I don’t want yours to be one of them I believe that you love hiet involved with a boy who may not be able to love you back the sa it can be sos Because that’s exactly what I thought That I would be stupid to picture any future betweenone without hiotten over my fears faster, listened a little more to my heart and less to my head, maybe I’d still have hiood for iven hiame And I don’t knowmaybe eventually you’ll be able to trust that I knohat I’"
Because I finally trust myself
As I leave the house and cliame and start s I know about
I can be i up or fancy dinners I want to go to parties Real, irresponsible parties, not dinner or garden ones or whatever I want to h I haven’t done that enough in life I don’t just want to help people I want to fight for theain I want to be bold I want
Silas I want Silas so bad that I feel his name whispered in my every breath, can still feel the war across the dash to kiss ed so deep in me that the memory of him is written on my bones, twined in a with the fans I can hear in the background of the broadcast, and for the first ti to see Silas after that game I have to
A QUICK CALL to Stella assurestheir win at a frat party on caht I run home and pull on my favorite skirt, and I find a button-up shirt that I know drives Silas crazy Tonight, though, I leave an extra button undone
When I get to the party, Silas isn’t there yet, but I find Stella in the living roo, and Stella is perched on a cute frat boy’s lap, laughing She wavesnervous What if he won’t give us another chance? What if he’s already irl? Or he’s woken up and realized that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship after all? God, what if histhat, if he’s handling that He could be spiraling out of control again, and I would have been one of the things to push him to it
"Cute outfit!" Stella shouts over the h Doesn’t quite scream I’m here to win you back"