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Just talking about it, I can see his face so clearly I feel the pain clench in my chest, that bitter ache that haunts me, every minute of every day The darkness, so deep I think I could drown

"He was the good one," I choke out "He would never have" But I’ ahead of myself now, so I force myself to rewind in the story I have to be clear, I have to tell her every word, every failure Every way I fked things up

She needs to know everything I am

"So we partied," I tell her, hollow "Jace went hard, I irls, there are always girls, but he was really going for it We both were"

My voice drops and I look away This part shouldn’t be harder, or feelelse I’ve done, but it is Even that night, every other girl I looked at, flirted with, or slipped my ar

On Brit

She’s still sitting there, across the roos her knees in to her chest and doesn’t look at limpse of the truth--but this isn’t about me anymore

"I was in a different place, back then" I explain slowly "Not like when you met me It was my first time away from home, my parents, all their bullshit, and"

I stop I was about to say, ’I was still hurting over you,’ but I stopher intoon, thousands of miles away fro to get by without her

It’s the only lie I’ve ever told her, when I said I understood her leaving ether The truth is, I couldn’t deal with it I didn’t even knohere to start Our night together changed everything, and waking up with her gone, it felt like the only true happiness I’d ever known had been ripped away fro that was never really mine

The loss of her was absolute

I knew I didn’t have any right to expect more We’d never even talked about ould happen in the e the way I felt to find her gone, or ain

I would have laughed over it, if it didn’t hurt so bad Iirl when I could have dated anyone on campus But I didn’t want them, I just wanted her Brit hauntedher, the scent of her sha in ainst irl to reject me, the only one alked away before I made that call But the truth was, I knew, it was all about her Brit Only Brit The one girl who didn’t care about my money or fa real in me, and once I’d known the bliss of that connection, everything else seemed like a cheap iet her, bury those irls But nothing soothed the ache Those first : caught up in anger and confusion, and regret for wanting so she clearly didn’t feel in return, even long enough to stick around and say goodbye By the tiet her out of my systeain for Brit, leaving out the reasons why My words are hollow and bitter with self-loathing "The one night I’d promised I wouldn’t, I did it anyway One beer turned into three, and then there were shots on the bar, and by the time we stumbled out into the snoas so wasted, I couldn’t see straight"

Brit sucks in a shocked breath "You drove?"

I shakeout for ot so, and Dad would have killedthe bitter irony ofthe words out, knowing the worst is still to coone as me He always handled his booze better So, I let him We piled in the rental, and headed back to the cabin It was dark," I say quietly, seeing the scene all over again The ht on the crisp snow; the black shadows of the trees blurring by as we drove faster and faster "And the roads were icy A deer ran out, and Jace swerved, and…"

This tio on The words stick in my throat, like if I don’t say the I have--I’d lay downbrother to still be here, for this pain in , in and out, in deep, shuddering breaths

"They said he died on impact" I whisper it in the silence of the dark roo us with shadows, but neither of us ht So like the world doesn’t exist outside "I was knocked unconscious right away," I add "When I came around in the hospital, I barely had a scratch onmyself for every word, ""

That’s the part I can’t get over, the cruelest irony of all My brother was dying beside me, his body crushed and bruised and bloody, and I just drifted off to sleep, like it was nothing

"He was there And when I woke up, he was gone" I tell her, broken "Like so I do will ever… I can’t one, and it’s allI hate rieve him, I don’t deserve the release He’s my burden to carry with me, for every breath I breathe that he won’t; every beat of my heart that I took from him

"I should be dead," I say quietly, broken "It should have been me Why couldn’t it be me?"

There’s no reply

The silence stretches, every passing moment like a lifetiainst the wall I can’t bring myself to look at Brit I know I’ll only find the same expression I see on everyone’s face once they know the truth: the police, friends from home, teachers at school That mix of horror and fascination; resentret Like they know it’s all my fault

My parents are the worst They’ve tried not to show it, but even I can tell They wish I had been the one to go

That makes two of us

I hear a noise, movement over on the couch I can’t help myself I look up in time to see Brit slowly unfold her limbs and rise to her feet

My heart falls

I didn’t expect her to understand, but that didn’t stopfor a hthis dreadful weight alone

No I never deserved her Even before she knew the truth, I was a fool to dreahts lost in h, I could make her love me for real

But real life isn’t dreams and wishes It’s the flash of lass

It’s the deathly silence the moment you lose the one you love, and the deep ache of loneliness knowing you’ll never get theain