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"You’re working tomorrow?" he asks

I nod, wordless in disbelief

"I’ll come by the bar and pick you up," he says "Sweet dreams"

I watch in a daze as Hunter heads back to the truck He starts the engine, then slowly reverses out of the drive, driving away until his headlights are sed up by the dark night

My legs give way I sink to the porch step

You’re perfect

He can’t ; orI’ I know it, deep inside, the way I’ve known it allprecious or rare

He’s wrong He has to be

But as I sit, clutching the porch railing for dear life, so flickers insideintoaway the dark shadows of doubt and insecurity

You’re perfect

His words whisper in one, more seductive than any flirtation or dirty words Nobody’s ever said that to me before Not even close Sure, I know that E for me, but it’s not the same Nobody’s ever looked at ood As if I’

He sees it in me, what I sometimes can’t even see inand anyone, wants me For sons of quitting yet

And for the first time, I realize: maybe I don’t want hiht I spend half an hour standing under the freezing cold shower jets, waiting for my hard-on to subside It doesn’t help

Jesus Christ

It took everything I had not to ravage her right there in the stables, to just part her soft, pale thighs and plunge deep inside of her, over and over, until we both were gasping and lost to the world

But I can’t Not yet No matter how e I can’t letin one reckless night

I owe her that erously still, so I head back down to the stables and set to work cleaning out stalls for the new horses I have arriving this week It’s tireso one of ht, I welcome the distraction I lift, and shovel, and sweat, until the darkest part of the night is over, andher Only then do I let ht, and the way Brit looked, so goddamn sexy and effortlessly beautiful

She tasted like teel She wasand crying out for oing a single second longer not inside of her

So what the hell are you waiting for?

I catchhard now from the work Maybe it’s crazy I don’t even understand it fully myself But I know, deep down, that Brit isn’t ready for o, she was begging ainst one to heaven I could have taken her, hard and fast and strong, and she would have loved every da

She wants ive her pleasure, but I can’t give her trust No, that I’ve got to earn, day by day, until she’s ready to let oodfor the memories, but it’s not Brit’s nad body that fills ly beautiful, her dark eyes gazing into mine

Damn It’s more powerful than a hundred cold showers, the way she looks at oes frole heartbeat, it’s enough to keep ood, and true, and perfect

I want to be that man for her, live up to her dream of me

What would she say if she knew the truth?

No I can’t think like that

I stare out at the dark fields, and feel a deep sense of rightness seep throughas it is a blessed relief

This is exactly where I’ave iven iven me a purpose

Because she makes me want to be a betterto the second that sleep claiht, she’s always there, in the back of s exist in this world, reassuring ain I want so badly to live up to her illusions, be that man she sees in ive her everything, all the things other girls take for granted: every roht now she doesn’t believe she’s worth a

She deserves everything And I’’s telling me, if I can do that--put the past behind me once and for all and doher ht be the only way I can find through this darkness

I finally toss the shovel down and head back to the house, stopping by the kitchen for a beer But looking at the neon glare of the refrigerator––empty save a couple of six-packs and some leftover takeout––I pause

How many of these have I drunk over the last three years? How hts have I wound up in a wasted haze, just to quiet the guilty whispers in my mind so I could fall into a dreamless sleep?

Too ot her society functions, scheduling every lasthiton Investe funds in the country Andhmyself every minute all the same

I meant what I told thee, but the denial too: downing uilt and pain in the bottorab the six-packs, and pop the tabs: pouring the left No crutch to dull my pain, no easy way out of this Done I slowly climb the stairs up to the loft bedroo back onto the bed I’m wide awake, too daback Of Jace, and that summer, and Brit Always Brit…