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"Four years ago," I reply slowly "Not since my mom died Here, in this house"

Hallie’s eyes widen in horror "Oh my Lord! I’m so sorry! Nobody told uilty for putting her on the spot like that

"What was it…?" Hallie asks, curious Everyone asks, I’ve found by now Even when it’s rude, or personal, they still can’t help it Everyone has to know the reason

"Cancer" I tell her It’s half the truth, at least

She nods "I’ram checked!"

I look around at the faded upholstery, and the roses twining around theMy voice softens "We got to spend the suether, at least She always loved it here"

That ainst dad’s plan to sell Morandparents built it themselves, way back in the Twenties, when they had to barter for the wood and nails It passed down froeneration: prih and they were struggling to put food on the table Mo to our past She always talked about us keeping it for our own families, way down the line

But dad has other plans He dug the family deep in debt while she was still alive, and once she was gone, it only got worse I don’t knohere it goes--frittered away on fancy dinners with his snobby, olda sophisticated man about tohen really, he’s just a washed-up drunk He already sold our house in the city; now, the beach house is in his sights

Carina can’t understand et half the proceeds of a sale, the rest split betweenher best to keep up with her designer-brand-loving friends, despite the fact she hasn’t worked a real job since college Who wants a run-down house in the ued I could use et a vacation condo somewhere cooler, like Mia print wallpaper, and the back porch I used to read on for hours Cool was never the point

"So!" Hallie claps her hands together brightly,on from all the talk about death and cancer and other non-realty concerns "Your father said to just throw everything out," She hands htly "You know, you don’t have to do all this yourself I can just call souys in to pack it up and cart it away, save you the hassle There’s a big Goodwill depot a fens over"

"No!" I protest loudly, then quickly coverOld fah hs, aard "Well, you just call if you need anything Just call And give le "He was telling h "We’re not sure yet," I say vaguely My dad picks up fluttering fans wherever he goes I guess char when you’re rotten to the core, like hiive me a call, if he’s ever down here"

"He won’t be" I answer shortly "Thanks for the keys, I’ll let you knohen it’s done"

Hallie trips away, unsteady on her heels I watch through the frontas she climbs into the Lexus and drives aith a wave

I’but the sound of the distant waves lapping up against the shore, and occasional birdsong, and a car engine passing in the distance Just me here, with all the memories

With Emerson…

I feel a bubble of fah my purse and find the vial of pills there, sain: one, two, three, four, five

They’re the last of ain Daniel and the doctor don’t understand why I want to quit them: as far as they’re concerned, my panic attacks are a siet the downside, how spaced out and distant the pillsI have is smoothed out and calm

Afteroffher and leaving Emerson behind, all I wanted was to be numb But as the months passed, it started to scare h the day I finally phased out the anti-depressants, butaround I can never tell when one’s going to hit I’ll just be walking down the hallway to class, and suddenly, , and the world starts to spin It’s like an iron band is wrapped around ht up in the panic, I feel like I’e et out of hand:exercises, and visualization stuff And just having the pills inthat if one hits, I can make it stop But I wish they weren’t such a crutch for ain I wish I could be done with the ood