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Chapter Forty - ROOK

"You wanna hear a tragic story?" I ask Ronin, feeling ready to talk about it "Because I really do have one"

He leans forward and kisses me on the top of my head, and then pullsbefore I tell you, I just want you to know that I’ to add but I can tell he’s just going to let one, and I’o back and get him for me, or take pity on me, or any of that But if I act a little distant or I make decisions that maybe don’t fit with how you think, well, just know that I have my reasons OK?"

He nods beneath nant but I had a e My ex caused it actually, and as terrible as this sounds, it was a blessing because not only did it prevent an innocent child froot one of those is while I was in the hospital" I pull the blanket away and rubmy fleshy upper arm "I knehat a baby with Jon meant and it wasn’t an extension of our love or a chance to create so beautiful" I look up at Ronin "It meant eternal captivity He kept me locked in a prison--not the kind with bars and locks, but the kind that takes over your ot the secret birth control inant and then use that baby against me for the rest of my life and hold me like a prisoner"

"Rook, I’m so sorry" He pushes soain

I take a deep breath and continue "I kept it secret for a while but one night while ere having sex, his hand was gripping my upper arm and he felt the littleshit out of me Pulled round, kicked ht I was paralyzed Except I could feel the pain radiating up and down my spine, so I kneasn’t paralyzed I don’t even kno many times he punched me in the face, I only know that both ofbefore he was done

"When I didn’t get up, he carried me to the shower, dropped me in the tub and turned the cold water on to wash away the blood I could only lie there,not toup my back The water turned a dirty red color fro out of my nose

"Usually, I never looked at myself afterward, but the next day I nizable--just swollen and--well, not me And that’s when I knew If I stayed here with thisup hter and whispers into my neck, "And you left on a bus, all alone"

I nod "After I was healed I left on a bus and ended up in Denver It took exactly thirty-one days forat that point, hebefore then So no one even knew I had no fahbor for help because we lived out on some land his family had There was just this duave , before that beating anyway And for three years I’d been planning for the day I’d have to leave because even though before that last incident I was too scared to really do anything about it, I knew that one day I’d have no choice I knew that eventually he’d kill ave et aith it So inventory of all the food in the house, so it was very difficult to get enough to even buy that bus ticket, let alone a bit of e to ed keystrokes on the coone So I couldn’t talk to guys or so"

"Yeah," I say "He owned me" I turn around now so I can see Ronin as I talk "And that’s why I need this, Ronin I need this, or I swear I wouldn’t do it You have to believe , orive up on them yet I just want the money so I can make my own decisions And maybe this contract with Spencer is a ret it, but I don’t think so, because Spencer Shrike was gentle and he makes art on nude bodies It didn’t feel… dirty"

"Like TRAGIC"

"Yeah, this contract is definitely dirty I et paid, but I’ stuff, Ronin, I’ like that I just want the money so I can move on"

Ronin lies back on the couch and pulls me doith him so that my cheek rests on his chest I’ood

"So you don’t trust anyone"

"Right," I breathe "I mean, I’m pretty well-adjusted I think When I was at the shelter I talked to some counselors It was very difficult at first, but every day away from him I healed a littleall the wrong decisions right now That’s possible, I get it But even if what I’, I still need to do it I need to be in control, I need to have these choices and I need to make s right with me"