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How easy they would be if I just stop fighting

I’ And I don’t have to be I could just stop right here Right now

I’ve told myself a million times that if I could just curl up and die, I would I’ve held erous slopes I could find, driven way too fast down deserted roads on the ice inRussian roulette with inable in an effort to just wipethe selfish way out

So ht up tosituation I just can’t escape from

It seems so easy, so perfect

Especially since I don’t really have to do anything I could just hang here a little while, let gravity do its thing Nobody would know Nobody butanyone

My hand slips a little more, and I let it I take a deep breath, close o

But Ophelia’s face flashes in front of e And I can’t make them Can’t will them to no matter how much I want to Suicide is a coward’s way out, and that’s one thing----I’m not I’m an asole, a loser, a careless, reckless freak who doesn’t give two shits about himself or anyone else, but I aI don’t deserve, it’s to get off easy Not when April never had that option

An ie of her--of my sweet, adorable little sister in her powder-pink dress and tap shoes--dances in front of my eyes, so real that I swear I could touch it But it’s just a e, just a hope that will never be realized, and I shove it down deep insideup, and I know that in ato be out of my hands Literally

Fuck it I reach out my left hand, skim it quickly over the rocks I finally find a little indention about two feet above et fairly decent purchase with three of ers So that’s what I do as I bend my knees and pull my feet up a few inches to try and find a place to rest theht, put my foot on it, and push up as hard as I can Then I reach up, find another handhold, and pull Hands, feet Hands, feet

I do this three et to the top of the cliff I pull round I turn s as the adrenaline finally stops rocketing through my veins, then roll over and stare up at the sky

I start to laugh, deep, painful bellows--out of relief or agony or pure, unadulterated hysteria--I don’t know But once I start, I can’t stop

I don’t kno long I lie there staring up at the night sky, laughing h for the cold wet of the snow to seep through h for the stars to slowly fade away as the red and violet tendrils of dawn streak slowly across the sky

More than long enough for thoughts of Ophelia to sneak back into e of her, e with triu Start wondering

What’s she doing right now?

What’s she thinking about?

Then I snort atShe’s sleeping, tucked up nice and snug and cozy in her bed Another ie works its way into htie curled up under the covers Or, better yet, sprawled across the bed, legs open and nightgown creeping up her thighs so I can see … everything

Her blond hair spread out across the pillow

Her crea against the tight lace of her gohile her pu--

Lust slah speed In an instant I’ with the force of the need ripping through me

What the fk?

I’m half frozen and minutes out of one of the deadliest situations I’ve ever been in, and still I want this girl so badly that I can barely breathe with it I’ve had her--over and over and over again, I’ve had her--and still I’ for irls out there I can tap with no more than a smile What is it about Ophelia that makes me want her so bad?

Correction--whather … that’s a whole different story, and one I refuse to have any part of Not when it’s so easy for her to kick , sad, lonely sound that chills round never could I sit up, slowly push in to walk With dawn slowly rising around me, it’s easy to see where the new trail--and climb--have taken me I’m on Lost Canyon property, less than a e

I wonder if Ophelia really is sleeping or if she’s wide awake, too

Once the thought enters h I deliberately turn in the other direction, I find e Back toward her It’s like there’s a string around my waist, one that draws me to her even when I want to be anywhere else

I start to fight it, to turn around and go so in the hallway outside her door--someone ht booty call who never showed--telling myself to walk away To just walk away

I don’t kno long I stand there, thinking, waiting, trying to figure out the right thing to do Walk away or knock Knock or walk away

And in the end I do exactly what I always kneould do, exactly what I have to do to stay sane