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I nod, drawing the curtain back "Yeah, I just got to put a shirt on"

"You should keep it off," so on a joint, and I think her na Honestly, it could be Brenda I really don’t remember her other than I slept with her a few times and we shared a few lines, then talked about shit that doesn’t nore her and go back to my pathetic little room that reminds me of what I’ve become I put a shirt on and slip on so at the last picture I’ll ever draw It was created froet out Each line is heavy, like I was trying to cut through the paper withside by side in the field beside the accident We’re holding hands and bleeding out together--dying together It’s perfect It’s real And it’s where I’ll always belong

I let out a deep breath, shut the sketchbook, and tuck it away in a box next to the dresser I’ aacross it and a razor in his hand My hands instantly itch to hold it,to need this," he says, urging it atout of his head, and his nose is a little red and running "We have a long night ahead of us"

I snatch the mirror and immediately take what he offers me, not because I need to stay awake, but because I want it Need it It’s ehts, my dreams It’s my life

It owns me now

Once it hits the back of ood left in ue

Nine months later…

May 9, 7 days before Summer Break

Nova

I’ up the last ofready to head home for summer, while I work on the last of my finals, but I’ve taken a break to pound ontherapeutic

"Do you ain if you keep it up!" My friend and roo on the dru her, and she rolls her eyes and laughs "Fine, be a bitch"

I laugh, hitting oneand panting, but I feel so alive inside Catching my breath, I climb off the stool and head over to a half-packed box onback home, since the last time I was there I was in such a different place than I aain and even Daniel, granola bars and all

"Are you sure you don’t want to take this with you?" My friend Lea asks as she holds up an old band poster of Chevelle

I nod, tucking the last of my CDs away into a box on my bed "Yeah, it’s all torn and ripped"

She rolls her heavily lined eyes and drops it into the trash can next to the shelf "Okay, if that’s what you want"

"It’s what I want," I tell her, clicking my computer on as I sit down on the floor in front of it

Ifor people who have lost loved ones to suicide Lea lost her dad when she was about twelve, strangely around the same time as I lost my dad That was our initial conversation starter, but we hit it off really quickly, and it’s nice to have sos of Landon’s suicide; the hurt, the anger, the guilt, the feeling of being lost and confused She’s felt the sas too, only she handled it in a different, healthier way

In the beginning stages of our friendship, she gave me hope that I could move on, and now she’s just there for ood friendship, one not based on drunken outings, heavy drugs, drifting We share a lot of things in coood docus They’re fun to hang out with, and we all volunteer to help out at the local suicide hotline It’s nice to do soh A lot

I’ve even been on a few dates, but haven’t really felt the spark or connection with anyone That’s okay, though I have time And it’s nice to know that I do

Not everything is always easy though There are dark et overwhelmed, and I start to count and crave the silent solitude that I experienced last su less frequently I knohat I want in life I want happiness I want hope I want a life And that’s iet where I am It’s not easy and not everyone makes it Some people stay in the dark and some people leave it a different, ain

"Are you still working on that?" she asks, gathering her long black hair into a side ponytail She’s wearing an old T-shirt with "Music Rocks my World" written on the back, and a pair of denim shorts She’s tall and has a few tattoos Each oneto her, and every time I see one of them, it always makes me wonder about Quinton’s tattoos "You know it’s due in four days"

"I know" I move the curser to the videos folder on the hoain, and it’s scary watching how ed over the course of two and a half months In the end, I barely looked like ain "I think I h"

I really want to use the clips for the final, even if itthe world what I was once because I feel like it’s important for people to see And there’s one video I really want to use; the one Iwhat he’s doing, thinking It feels like I’ain