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I don’t say anything and he continues to slide et thees to do it without losing the that piece of fabric up there too Within seconds he takes off his boxers and I have no ti so quickly I’uy

"Nova," he breathes against ainst mine His eyes are squeezed shut and then he opens the moment he looks like he doesn’t want to this, like he’s torn on what’s right and wrong, real and fake, and I understand co as he presses his ue out and parts , and I shiver in response My legs open up to him, and he positions himself between theer When our bodies connect in every place, I can feel the tip of his Part of me wants him to slip inside ain But the other part ofbecause we’re in the middle of a pond, with no protection, and I have no idea what I want or who I want I should knohat I want, shouldn’t I? I need to figure stuff out

But I can’t seeret and what-ifs own me, so I let him slip his tip insidein a sharp breath as every one ofwith a s, because I’m not sure I want this In fact, I don’t think I do Not like this The truth in ure out what to do next What do I do next?

Quinton freezes, goes dead still with the tip of hi frohts are a blurry streaure out what to do Keep going Stop

"Nova," he says in strained, almost pained voice "Is this… is this…" He opens his eyes, which are filled with uilt then I’ve ever seen He sucks in a deep breath "Have you never done this before?"

My body is shaking and et control of my nerves or voice, so I shake id, and I can feel the beat of his pulse pounding betweenso loudly it covers the sound of the water falling fro at all

"I can’t do this," he whispers, and it looks like he’s going to cry as he pulls out ofI’ to lose him Or maybe it’s Landon I’o," I say, but it sounds unreal, just words disconnected fro horrified "You don’t want this Nova… want me You’re better than that"

"No, I’o wide, shocked at the anger in my voice, so real and raw "I’m not better than you Him Anyone!" My voice echoes for miles and the water ripples around me as I try to stay afloat "I don’t even knoho I a his ar away froht now for whatever reason But soon you’re going to open your eyes and see who you really are and that you don’t belong with a bunch of fucking loser drug addicts" Pain laces his eyes and I can see soin to understand "You don’t belong in a pond about ready to screw soh, headed down a road of self-destruction Because that’s where you’re going to go if you keep going down this road Trust me I know"

My lips tremble as tears threaten to spill down my cheeks My head falls down and I stare athere" But my voice is just a whisper as memories of my past overwhel somewhere…"

He reaches up over the rock above us and grabs his boxers before swi to the shore and I don’t try to stop hi focus on the present as the meets dressed and then hurries for the trees, leaving me alone in the water, alone Alone Alone Alone I try to backtrack how I got here, to this lonely place, but I can barely reo back to a tiht and ain I don’t want to feel so wrong inside

I cover my chest with my arms and start to count the beats offor me I try to count the tree branches, the clouds, the stars as they peek out of the sky But nothing is helping, and as e and chip down the wall I built around that night--around er shut it down It ras e to heave rab onto er to the scar that’s over ain The one where nothing makes sense and the past overtakescontrol overon as I try to grasp reality But panic, sorrow, anger, and re--the stars, the trees,And in the end, the past catches up with

Are you sure you don’t just want to stay over?" Landon asks, as I put my shirt on and sit up on the bed "We could just cuddle or so over ’s okay, when really I’s innocently "What? I could be a cuddler"

I roll my eyes, stand up, and slip my sandals on "Yeah, yeah" I start to head to the door "Besides, what if your parents walk in and catch us?" That’s actually not the real reason I won’t have sex with him I’m secretly afraid that it’ll hurt too badly or that he won’t like how I look completely naked Or that I’ll be so bad he’ll never want to touchto run out, and either I’h with it or he’ll leave me And then what? What will be left ofhis shirt on with a faint so to bed, so we can cuddle all ant"

Sighing, I quietly open the door and lower , he walks up to me and kisses me on the head "I love you, no matter what," he whispers