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I’m not sure what to do with the abrupt shift inin bed, waiting for the right s an uneasy feeling toup to the unexpected

The air is a little steaainst me makes it even hotter Quinton and I are in a very intimate position; his arm is tucked under my neck and I have ether, like two puzzle pieces

I’d woken up the , panicking and feeling like I had a hangover As I watched hi that was hi here, with hi freely again, along with hts, I’ I’ if there will ever be a tiain

"Good ," Quinton says in a lazy tone, and I jump from the sound of his voice

"Jesus, you scaredmy hand to my chest as I sit up

His eyelids lift open, and it gets to me every time; the honey-brown shade pooled with even more sorrow "I can tell"

I take note of his plaid shirt and black cargo shorts, which is a different outfit froht His eyes are red and puffy, but I can’t tell if he’s high or if he’s been crying "Have you been up already?"

"Yeah, I had to… I went to talk to Tristan" He pauses "You know you wiggle a lot in your sleep"

"Well, you talk in your sleep" I say, rubbing the tiredness from my eyes

"Oh, yeah" He arches his brow "What’d I say?"

"That Nova is the most aweso my arm on my stomach

He chuckles softly "Yeah, that does see I would say"

"You don’t think I’razes his thumb across le down the urge to run out of the tent, because in the light of day--in my refreshedthat"

He gives rin that looks so out of place on his face it can probably onlyHe’s stoned "That’s because you are" He exploressure to cover every inch, and even though he’s not touchingain, he seems uncertain "I think…" He shuts his eyes, his expression contorted in pain "I really want to draw you, Nova"

"I’m not sure if I can let you," I utter softly

His eyes open and the pain hidden in his pupils is es his forehead with his heel of his hand, like he’s trying to rub away the stress His shirt sleeve slips down a little, revealing the names tattooed on his ar ers to touch the names inked on his skin

He stiffens and then slides his aro find us soht, nearly a shout as he ruffles his hair into place with his hand Without waiting for me to respond, he unzips the tent and leavesin et up to see if he’s okay, but my stoht, and I lay back doithevery ti question Then one night he’d taken off and never returned, just like that Just like Quinton’s doing

Without taking , I stretch my arm out and feel around the side of the tent until I findthe seconds down But when I hit two hted down by worry, anxiety,routine For the first time in over a year, I skip out on the last three ers feel heavy as I click the ca the paleness of my skin and the redness in

"I rerave It wasn’t too long after they put the headstone on his grave" My voice sounds hoarse "It was o with the Evanses’--like it was a great idea or so the on the inside "It’d been a couple of h his funeral… well, barely uts out in the bathrooo to his grave, but I couldn’t ad at a stone that o…" I suck in a breath "Yet, I’d agreed, because that’s what I always did, I agree and go along with things because I could never think of an excuse"

My hand trembles as a tear rolls down my cheek "So ith the Evanses, and his mom cried the entire ti--or done so--to make it easier for everyone, but all I could do was stand there" More tears floodthe realness of the moment "I felt disconnected, like it wasn’t real, like so name on the headstone and that really Landon was at ho the mountains or maybe the trees outside while he smoked weed and lost track of ti he’d rather be underneath the ground than up here with me"

I pause as in to chatter "After the visit was over, I went home and… I don’t know…" My eyebrows knit "I just wanted to understand what he felt like right at the end… what the hell he was thinking that h with it So I went into the bathroo my wrist open It’s not like I wanted to die… at least I don’t think so Honestly, I have no idea what I wanted or want An explanation? A way to travel back through ti differently? Or maybe I’d just lost myself with Landon--"

The sound of the door zipperht as Quinton sticks his head in My teeth are still clattering together and there are a few stray tears on my face