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I loosen up andthe opportunity to feel the lines of his lean raze the bottoainstthat our friendship that once existed is no more, but I don’t care I want this--want hiue explores the inside of er insideback for a h the a to focus on his beautiful face and the intensity in his eyes, but I’et out as my neck curves andined He kisses er take it and he has to stop, otherwise I’d pass out frolossy as he encircles his arm around my waist, and he pulls me with him as he rolls onto his back I rest my head on his chest, my eyes wide at the implausibility of what just happened

I drape my arm over his stomach as he plays with my hair "So am I still stuck in your head?" I say and then roll h my hair and he sketches a line down to er underneath my chin and tips my chin up so I meet his eyes "Yes In fact, I think it’s worse" He says it like he’s disappointed, al that I wouldn’t be, and it makes me sad I’m about to ask why he looks so upset, but then he dips his ain, and just like that I forget about everything

Chapter 5

Nova

June 5, Day 17 of Summer Break

The feisty tune of "Last Resort" by Papa Roach plays in the background, but I have it turned do so it won’t drown out ht, and s to my shoulders, still damp fro for about five otten up a few tihts in my head to connect and form coherent sentences I wonder if that’s what Landon did before he made his video… I wonder if he planned it out

Finally, I decide there shouldn’t be any preplanning, and plop down in the chair I’ under my butt to boost myself up, and then let the first sentence that pops into my head barrel out of my mouth, despite my initial instinct to censor "Okay, so it’s been a little over teeks since I got hoe and the drea I’ to have to say his na about hi at myself on the screen of the co his nao wide and my pupils shrink, like I’ve suddenly been possessed by a distant ers throughit out of e What will people think if they ever watch this? What will they wonder about me and how I saw myself? "The dreams about him are more intense than they’ve ever been," I say "Part of me wants to find a way to shut them off, but part of me wants to hold on to them--hold on to him… forever"

I cross my arms on the desk, lean closer to the screen, and exa the vastness in"When I look atinsideabout hih them… like it’s that si ure out a way to knohat he was thinking… soave up so easily… why he left ernail "Or maybe I could and I was just in denial… Was that the kind of person that I was? One who denies what’s in front of her?" My voice drops off at the end as the blunt honesty escapes my mouth I don’t want to hear it or think about it any to look at myself

Later that day, Delilah and I are hanging out in ht flows inside, h I have a fan on full blast I’ure out what the hell the purpose is, besides watching me babble about pointless nonsense that doesn’t reallyto understandto understand Landon? Life? Death? What he was thinking in his final moments, and why did he decide to sit down and record it?

Why do I always have so o to that concert down in Fairfield at the end of July Wouldn’t that be fun? To feed your h a stack of CDs ona short red dress that matches her red-stained lips and is only a couple of shades darker than her hair "And why do you have these still? No one listens to CDs anymore"

I take them from her hand and set them down on my computer desk in an orderly, alphabetized stack: Blink-182 to Taking Back Sunday "Landon gave the down that road with her I close one of nore the file marked "Landon’s" as I open another video clip ofabout one"

"That’s because you live in your own little crazy Nova Land" She crosses her eyes and circles her finger around her temple, and then she plops down on s "It’s been advertised all over town and I’ve mentioned it a few ti to be like a weeklong event or so to a concert Asto concerts, I don’t feel like going to them anymore There’s too much connection to Landon with them, and there’d be a lot of noise and a lot of people and a lot of unfamiliarity, which wouldaroundroutine would be wrecked and h the roof, unstable, out of control "I’m not sure I’m up for a concert, Delilah, or if I’ll have time" I move the cursor across the screen to click on another video file "I think I ht enroll in so"

She shakes her head as she shoves to her feet, then she stoainst the off button on the tower "No way We made a pact not to do classes this suer on the cooing on here Although I don’t get why You’ve never really been into fil before, at least not to the point where you did it for fun"

"I’, I rotate the chair around to face her and change the subject "I knoe said no classes, but I need a distraction"