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and I wake up

I’ht, but in all these years I’ve never made a sound Mum and Dad would have told me if I had

I only wear underpants and a T-shirt to bed I used to wear pajah them when I had the dreaet up and stagger to the bathroom I take off the T-shirt on the way and drop it by the foot ofMu

I sit on the toilet, shivering I don’t need to pee I just have to wait somewhere outside my bedroom for a bit, until the shakes pass

I hate that bloody dreae, it’s the only time I ever feel truly scared, lost, out of my depth, helpless What’s worse, I can’t tell anyone about it What would it look like, so they’re scared by a dream about babies? I h But bloody babies!

Dad would skin o crying to him as a kid, he’d tellscary about babies When I kept bothering him, he whipped me with his belt He asked a feeeks later if I was still having the drearin and said I wasn’t

When the shakes stop, I get up and wash my face and hands I wipe sweat from my back with a towel, then pause and study myself in the mirror My eyes are bloodshot and blurry with traces of fear - I think I sometimes cry quietly in my sleep - so I splash water over them and rub them with ry That’s better

I study ht blue eyes and admire my stubbled head Flex my biceps Rub a faded yellow bruise on o when I didn’t hand hih I wink at e htened muscles, then pick at the faded white scar near the top of h It’s a small c shape, from an injection I had when I o or three years old It was a new type of flu vaccine Dad volunteered s Mum orried but Dad said there was no way they’d test it on babies if there was any chance it would cause harht and it worked a treat I’ve never even had a cold I don’t knohy it didn’t make it to the shops Maybe there were side effects and I’m one of the lucky ones who didn’t suffer any Or maybe they have to wait a certain amount of time before they can put it on thethe c scar The things that go through yourI should be sleeping, not analyzing a durin at myself "You’re a stupid"

I stop In theon the laundry basket, hands red with blood, eyes white, teeth glinting It breathes out and a small cloud of red mist rises from itsquick breaths, cursing ain, there’s nobody behind me

I storab a fresh T-shirt frolare as I pull it on, htmare freak me out so much

"It was only a dream, B," I whisper as I lie beneath the covers, eyes wide, knowing I won’t get a wink of sleep again tonight "Only a dream Only a dream Only a"