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NOW

Zoot a real proble and I can tell by his beady eyes that he’s close to tipping over the edge

We’ve been watching the news, a report about the alleged zo of beer, then snorts and switches channels

"I atching that," Murunts

"But it’s iht attack here We need to knohat to do, Todd"

"B knohat to do, don’t you?" Dad says, winking at e where he can crack a joke

"Of course," I grin "Put ood-bye!"

We crack up laughing Mum tuts and makes a face She doesn’t like it ear She thinks foul language is a sign of ill breeding I don’t kno she ended up with Dad - he could swear for a living

"Don’t be silly, Daisy," Dad says "It’s all a con Zo? Give me a break"

"But it’s on the news," Mum says "They showed pictures"

"They can do anything with computers these days," Dad says "I bet B could knock up soht, B?"

"Dead on," I nod "With a few apps, I could out-zoe Romero"

"Who’s that?" Mum frowns

"The president of South Africa," Dad says seriously and we both howl at her bewildered expression

"It’s all very well for the pair of you to laugh like hyenas," Mu "But what happens if zo if they kill me and B"

"I’ll happily chuck you to thee to his voice now, one I’m all too familiar with

Dad stares at Mu for hi If he does, I’ll hurl myself at him, the way I have countless times in the past I love him, but I love Mum too, and I can never stand by and let him lay into her The trouble is, there’s not much I can do to stop hiht

But instead, after a dangerous pause, Dad smirks and switches back to the news That’s Dad all over - unpredictable as the weather

I scratch the back of ht over the weekend and it’s always itchy for a few days when I do that - and watch the footage fro over Pallaskenry, the se where zoe is in ruins Buildings are being burned to the ground by soldiers with cool-looking flamethrowers Corpses all over the place At least they look like corpses Dad reckons they’re duood ketchup," he said when Mued him about the blood

"I mean," Dad says as atch, "if it had happened in London, fair enough, I ht believe it But bloody Ireland? It’s one of their Paddy jokes There was an Englishman, an Irishman and a zombie"

"But they’ve shown dead people," Mum persists "They’ve interviewed soot out"

"Never heard of actors?" Dad says witheringly, then turns to me "You don’t buy any of this, do you?"

"Not a word" I point at the TV They’re showing a clip that’s already passed into legend on YouTube One of the zouy in pajamas His eyes are crazy and he’s covered in blood, but apart from that you wouldn’t look at him twice in a crowd The wos his fingers into her brain As he pulls out a handful and stuffs it into his mouth, the camera pans away and, if you listen closely, you can hear the caone viral on the Web by MondayThere was an uproar the next day, papers saying it shouldn’t have been aired, people getting their knickers in a right old twist It gave ht when I first saw it Dad too, even if he won’t admit it Now it’s just a bit of fun Like when you see a horror film more than once - scary the first tiets

"He should have dipped that bit of brain in curry sauce," I joke

"B!" Muasps "Don’t joke about it!"

"Why not?" I retort "None of it’s real I reckon it’s a trailer for a new movie You wait, another few days and they’ll admit it was a publicity stunt Anyone who fell for it will look a right idiot, won’t they?"