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Shane slants a look atFinally, he shakes his head "I bought it at an auction with the money from my first win I’d coear "It was an iht…"
When he doesn’t continue, I pro to open up "What did you think?" If he overheard what Faith told me, he already knows his rocky relationship with his father won’t be news to ht if he could just see I’d been successful, that the time I’d spent away froe everything, but he wouldn’t even let me in the door" He clears his throat "I don’t drive it very often any the defeat in his voice "You should be proud of it even if he couldn’tthe car was impulsive, but he should have seen it for what it was Not a boast An explanation…an apology He should have known you better"
Even though Shane isn’t looking at me, I can tell by his posture I’ve surprised him I’ve kind of surprisedwithout realizing it When he doesn’t say anything for a long ti Or worse, I’ve overstepped my bounds
"Look, I’" I pull ainst h school"
A ses of his e to see the best in everyone, Willa, but only the worst in yourself?" His stateers between us, as if I could pluck it out of the air When I realizeopen, I snap it shut That’s not true Is it? "What you said about ht, I think I’ve just never thought of what happened in those ter in, that’s all It’s easier to see a situation clearly without uilt, in the way"
"I don’t know A ed on hs "You wouldn’t be, if you knew the whole story"
"Do you want to tell it to me?" I ask softly
Our eyesthe stab of hurt, I nod "Okay I get that"
"No, you don’t" He turns onto the highway, slipping into the fast lane with expert ease "I liked the way you looked at me when you defended me Maybe a little too e, I run the risk of never seeing that again"
The pain remains, but it’s transferred to him now "It can’t be that bad," I whisper
We drive in silence for a few er side, afraid if I move, it will sway his decision to confide in me I want to knohat put that note of sadness in his voice and I think I’ll be crushed if he decides against telling et close enough to anyone to feel this emotionally invested I came here to repair myself and , I tell myself Just to put the curiosity to rest
Shane’s voice startles h the darkness "I was in Malaysia in March, getting ready for the second race of the Championship Hadn’t spoken toup for the qualifying round I didn’t even look at the caller ID, just answered, assu it would be anyone but him" Shane isn’t co far-off "He’d hadn’t even let me past the front door of the inn last time I was in Dublin, so when he asked me to come home immediately, I didn’t understand I asked if Kitty and Faith were all right He said yes, but I needed to coacy It had to be that sa settles onin the back of my neck Before I can analyze my actions or tell myself it’s a bad idea, I settlehands a beat before continuing
"When I think back to the phone call, I don’t kno Ime by my name, which he never used to Shane, it’s important that you listen Shane, your mother and sister need you No hway and takes a turn, beginning the ascent of a semi-steep hill "The next day, I placed in the top three Not my first time, but it was a difficult track I had a voiceile that any lass I don’t want to hear the rest I’ll die if I don’t
"I went out celebrating Didn’t even listen to the voicemail until the next day" His voice has turned bitter, full of self-hatred "He died during the race He was trying to tellIt was so obvious, I just didn’t want to fking hear it"
My chest rises and falls rapidly, every breath I s oes along hat he’s telling me and I can’t even fathom it I feel that I can at least partially relate, because as awful assiI can only initude of Shane’s It’s visible now, in every line of his body, the white-knuckled grip he has on the clutch
"So? Am I still the type of person you would defend?" Finally, he looks at me and I want to wither under the haunted expression he hits otten into this car withmyself to think clearly Maybe I wanted to avoid this position, but et the sense that I’m needed That my response is important More than that, it’s important toyou, Shane I’h He was too stubborn to coht out and tell you what the hell he wanted to say He didn’t say, ‘Shane, I love you, I’ and want you to couilt That’s shitty And you’rehints he probably never dropped"
"Why would I do that?"
"Because you’re the one that’s still alive" I realize I’ and lower uilt you both felt It didn’t die with hi, torturous seconds where I worry my honesty went too far Then he leans back in his seat, staring out the front windshield "I have to go back to racing I have to win or it was all for nothing I will have alienated hi Can you understand that?"
Better than I thought "Yes," I say, even though the word feels like it’s being scraped frooal, but that’s Shane Complicated and difficult People like us, he’d said to ht we kissed in the office We must be cut fro I fully grasp Maybe even so I would do in the same position