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I was far from okay, and I needed to be that way I didn’t want to spend halfwhen in all honesty, I was barely hanging on, but barely coping on my oas easier because I could do that without the pressure fro on

Once a day Claudia would FaceTi--to have to keep using the phrase, "There’s no change"

With Jake, though, it was even harder

My insides churned with guilt that Andie was lying in a hospital bed and I hadn’t spoken to her in ht die, that I ht never have a chance to say another word to her after having spent the last few ainst the nearest wall to catch my breath

This was my fault Andie’s accident I knew that deep in h there was some part of me that kneasn’t rational, I worried that soo when I’d knocked Andie out of the way of Mr Finnegan’s SUV Was this fate’s way of punishing me?

I didn’t know if that was true or not

What I did knoas that I was definitely being punished for treating her so badly

And the reason for et that out of my head

Looking down at e to smash it underfoot I had to call Jake back or he would only keep trying

Aftermy way outside, I found a quiet spot

His face appeared on rip inat him made me feel a horrible , his dark eyes filled with concern and love "How’s it going?"

I shookaway from the screen for a moment "Sa She’s a Redford"

Biting ed loosely "We’ll see"

"You’ve got to stay positive"

"I know"

"Charley? Charley, look atmy head back to the screen

His expression was tender "I can come back If you need me, I can co just at the thought "You have to finish up there I… I’m better on my own," I said honestly "I feel like I don’t have to worry so et it," he said and I knew that he did "You’re not coht? Your uess we’re all dealing with it differently" I didn’t even want to think about how much this had broken er-than-life characters who could deal with anything life threw their way But this… they seeile, and every time they looked upon Andie in that hospital bed, I could see another crack form in the armor they’d worn their whole lives

That scared ht of et back," I whispered,

"Okay, baby," he said softly "I love you"

"I love you too"

I hung up and stuffed the phone in my pocket

Okay, baby I love you

I love you too

But I hate you too I hate ulp of air and tried to calether and walked back into the hospital

I’d barely left my sister’s side The only tio back to Rick and Andie’s for a shower My parents tried to get some sleep there, but I just couldn’t sit in that house It was filled with Andie Her pictures, her perfuerator et sonets In theer, otten theon a sofa cushion in theroom floor with my hands bound behind my back while my sister stood triumphant on the arm of the sofa, a patch over her eye With that, she’d command her invisible crew to haul anchor and her ship (the sofa) would sail off, leavingher to the navy

The black and white fridge net had the words "To Err is Human, to Arr is Pirate" printed over a skull and crossbones When I’d given it to Andie, she’d laughed so hard, she cried

At the sight of the net, I collapsed

My mom found me and held me while I let it all out

I’d refused to stay in that house for any longer than the length of a shower since

Returning to the hospital room with coffee and sandwiches for bothher hand in both of his When he heard me come in, he ducked his head and swiped at the tears I knew he hoped I hadn’t seen

Placing the coffee and sandwich down beside hirief, because I think he needed to feel strong in all this Rick wasn’t a stupid guy--he could see ether and I knew he felt so for us all It was no use atte to convince him otherwise It was just the person he was

I sat back in my chair and sipped at my coffee

"You better open that sandwich," Rick said softly

He started to eat his slowly and I felt a pang inat it, I listened to the sounds of the monitors around my sister

"She was mad at herself too, you know," Rick suddenly said

I almost choked on the bite of sandwich as I sucked in air After a sip of coffee, I asked, voice hoarse, "What do you ument, Charley It happened The two of you are stubborn"

"I should’ve called," I said flatly "I should’ve been here"

"‘Should haves’ only hurt you, kiddo Don’t do that to yourself"

"Why? Aren’t you doing that to yourself?"

We stared at each other a hed and looked back at Andie "I should’ve ht away I should’ve done it"

After a moment of silence, I whispered, "I should have put her first"