Page 4 (1/1)
Haltingin around her These moments, the ones like this, when she looks up atht about becorew her in, but I’to fail her Even if she does h? The hopelessness grows day by day, while an unrelenting force keeps pushing me down, lower, deeper and heavier and even on the days I want to fight it, I can’t
"Hey, Low" I s how irresolute I had beco me to bend at the waist, and pick her up froh the next twenty minutes You can’t fuck this up when you’re her ently down on theher diaper
Even this task puts e Nix has been the one who’s been hands on the last seven weeks I barely knohat to do It’s not that I don’t want to know, but more I don’t knoant to If it weren’t for the fact I’ve been trying hard to hide that I’, I would have the sense to ask Nix how he’s coping It’s not that I don’t care how he is feeling, so with guilt Guilt for not caring enough, or for not being happy enough, hell, for not wanting any part of it I don’t knohat is happening to ry and in tears has beco I need So why does it feel like I have made a esting I was just tired Baby blues is what they called it But I can’t help fear the question I keep askingHarlow a s when I wasn’t ready? The sah me now just as they have done the past feeeks I can’t pinpoint theYeah, I read the books, searched the foru really prepares you for what’s to co a baby could make you feel so out of control, or lonely That small, everyday tasks would become insurmountable hurdles No one tells you, you will spend your days worrying if you’re doing everything right, and your nights crying when you fail But theof all is the nu, or that it would be thepain I would ever experience, even if sohts I can’t afford to have, I carefully pick up Harlow and sit down in the rocking chair that Nix’s father, Red, made for us When we ca for us A note attached telling me Red refurbished the same chair that Nix’s mother nursed in
No one has ever made me a chair before, and the small act of love Red showed me makes me want to sit in the chair every day But what I love ivespeace every second ofchair, the same chair I knew Nix was rocked in, peace never evades ive me fifteen minutes Z, then she’s all yours?" I ask Z
"Sure" He s his sister’s head oncefor ivedown at her as she tries to pull at a stray hair which has fallen fro ods that by someback, I position her in my arms and before her sin to fall because I knohat’s about to happen I know for the next fifteenin as pain shoots through my breast and I won’t be able to control the sob that rips from my mouth I knoill have to resist the need to pull her away, and vow to not feed her any I can’t do anything right I’ll try to fight the discontent that weighs heavy on hts that this is what she brought into my life away as a sht all these demons alone and broken
Her small hand will reach up and touch my face, but I’llin the world, I can’t stand it I can’t stand the pain and I can’t bear to look at hter
I’m a terrible mother
CHAPTER THREE
Nix
"Hey, boss eant at arms, looks up from his position, bent over the pool table
"Hey" I nod, and walk straight tohere?" he calls, but I’ the door shut, I plant my ass in my office chair and let out a shaky breath Fuck, I shouldn’t have left her My cell vibrates in my pocket, and I pull it out, ready to see Kadence’s name flash Instead, Holly’s name comes up