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"We can’t keep doing this I can’t …" His words hang, unfinished, and I openup his shirt and walks to the edge ofover my skin until they stop atover to brush his lips oversoft kisses on my stomach, the underside of my breast, reen eyes cloudy "Neither one of us deserves you," he says, his voice thick, his lips taking one last drink ofon his shirt, his expression dark and worried

I close my eyes, roll over, and wait for him to leave

I loved Jennifer more than I have ever loved another soul on this planet Her death leaves a hole in my heart that will never be filled Please respect our privacy in this difficult time

There are very few explanations for that note, written on Nathan’s stationary, in handwriting I recognize as his, placed in a folder that bears rasp one In Nathan’s world--his meticulous scheduled, perfectly planned universe--my life ends in death It is planned for, a state in place except for my dead body How am I planned to die? And for what purpose?

I hear the slide of hten as Drew leaves My eyes look at the clock Six hours until Nathan arrives home Six hours to think, before the next et out of this house, needing space to think, space to figure out a new plan I keep it sionat my lips Red and puffy, irritated by the scruff on Drew’s face I dab on a little polish and grab e Once in h the estate’s private gate, once ainst the pedal and hts to flow

Yesterday, sitting at my father’s side, I had conteh that I had wanted to eject from this life, abandon his needs, just for the pathetic reason of being miserable Now I have a whole new reason to run:ahold of this note with two gleeful hands, happy to have so that I can twist into a justifiable reason to leavein place for his care No matter the reason, no er I choose toable to actually help my father Provide for him, visit with him, unconditionally financially support his care, and not just through this sickness, but for the rest of his life

"What happens tothe buttons of a Chanel blouse, one I took the tags off this eable with only half its buttons Nathan had ripped it open without concern for the fine fabric, his need too great for so

Nathan’s head snaps so quickly that I hear a bone pop, his expression alarmed "What do youinto it sans underwear, not wanting to hunt for them in the sheets of Nathan’s bed "I mean, if I die, what happens to my father? Would you continue to provide for his care?" I shouldn’t have said anything One of the unwritten rules, et up and leave after sex No chitchat, no goodbye kiss Feet to door, in silence, as soon as possible

"Do you plan on dying?" His face was alently Obviously suicide would clash with his carefully laid plans

"No I don’t think anyone plans on dying But ould happen if I do? The agree about that" The oh and dry upon my expiration

He frowns "I can have my attorney draft an amendment I didn’t expect your father to outlive you" His blue eyes lock withthe question, if I a suspicions that will only make my escapeup the side of my skirt

He fastened the buttons of his shirt, his expression grave "Then I’ll do it this week"

This week I need to leave, his face showing the thoughts that are running through his head I ball up the broken shirt inoutside, wanting to put distance between us before he starts asking questions of his own

CHAPTER 7

I cannot sleep,laps in the s but raiseaboutbut stress me the hell out I kick off the covers and stand,to not think Swi Maybe that will clear my head, exhaust my muscles, and allow my body to finally sleep I step to the curtains and slip through, unlocking the slider and stepping outside

It is beautiful on this ledge of the world The house sits on the edge of a stiff drop, looking down on the city below It is a city that sleeps with lights on, skyscrapers announcing their greatness with uplights and a blatant waste of electricity, dotting the landscape with colorful dots all hours of the night I turn to the house, following the sined to make an impression, fro s disappearing into the night sky The house is dark, any lights in Nathan’s room hidden by blackout curtains It is as if the entire house is dead, and the only life is outside

I wonder where Drew’s bedroom is Which part of this colossal house he occupies I wonder if he calass On it, I wrote only ‘No’ I figured that would be clear enough for Drew, yet cryptic enough that--if seen by someone else’s eyes--wouldn’t rat out our affair I’m not ready to see Drew Not ready to accept the fact that he may be involved in a plot to cause me harm

I pullthee of the pool I stare into the ripples of water, the lights constantly changing the color of the water,the transition from cool to warm, from icy to red-hot I dive when it is the color of blood, needing to see the color change while underwater, needing to feel transformed, from blood red to relaxation blue When blue steals over the space, I close my eyes and start my laps

I have me exactly how many strokes, how e Before it is time to tuck, roll, push, and return back in the direction I cao Back

Forth

Back

Forth

Twenty laps Thirty laps Forty laps I try for fifty, , strokes slowing until I stop, in the middle of the pool, in the middle of lap forty-three I roll over and float on ht to slow asps

When I finally open my eyes, it is to an orchestra of stars--thousands of identical specks And under them, on my back, I feel so sht h the thick water to the steps, ht of the water and enter the heat of the night I ignore htly when I step into the cool roo it

I wrap a towel aroundthe co oes to sleep