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I round the final flight of stairs, pushing through ainst the exit bar, the outside sky darker than I expected, night rapidly falling I ht return to ht: a stupidthe day On erous Not just for others--forthe air, where the howl of a siren is as co to defend myself with

Defense Sure Another lie to myself? I’m too deep in htquiet I should have four to five hours of sanity left At least forty-five s by to lock me in I will be fine I can handle this Ithe inside fabric of my jacket pockets Keep my hands in

Init back there--like I was a kid with Mommy’s credit card

Look, I am an adult

I must be an adult because I have money

I am an adult because I left the house on my own

I am an adult because I can handle myself Buy a snack and not try to kill anybody

I step into the street, a blared horn scaring the shit out ofcar Iand face the store,the skittish steps of JitterBoy, who approaches me as I move

"Got any cash?"

I shoot him a look that I hope accurately communicatesyou"

"Please" He holds out his hand as if I’ Give it to him! I stare at his palm for a beat, shake ainst him, and I suddenly want to chop off that limb and throw it away forever

Is this what life is outside ies like Siers and ask for rant them free access to whatever is in h to protect rab the door handle, the word Pull helpfully provided next to a faded i that they have only fifty dollars in cash

I step inside

CHAPTER 14

I AM SUCH a good girl I prove, with the direct route I take, that I can do this I spy the yellow cooler against the back and walk directly to it, not passing GO, not taking two hundred dollars or the life of the little old lady who checks out the gum aisle I slide open the cooler and examine the chocolate Oohh… Godiva chocolate–covered vanilla Gas station fare has gotten fancy in h of relief when I see the Snickers, king-sized, at the back I grab one, think about two, I can coht Sodas Rows and rows, stacks and stacks I hesitate briefly at Cherry Coke but keep rab a can of Dr Pepper, and shut the case

I a, mind clear A simple errand that is, obviously, no trouble to my psyche My eyes noticesupplies Red Bull A sewing kit Phone cards I could shop online less Come here more Just across the street, no reason not to I don’t have to order bottled water online; they sell it here

I step to the register, one man ahead offor me to tackle He steps up to the counter, slides over a lotto card, lead dots peppering its surface

I stand in place, shifting ht from one foot to the other My feet are hot Itchy They aren’t used to the constriction of socks and shoes and the blow of an overenthusiastic gas station heater

So with the man’s lottery card Bits of discussion float over theto hide the action Sawdust? I glance over his backside Worn jeans, dark wash Boots A red T-shirt, pulled up on one side enough to show the hint of… I squint, htly for a better look I think it’s a Leather a happy rhythm in my chest

My father had a Leatherman It was a Christmas present, selected by my mother, and wrapped in ribbon and stuck under the tree I watched hi any thought of fa experience set to the tune of M&ou particularly special about the present, smiled politely when he oohed and aahed over the nine tiny knives, the fourteen other accolass threads, tweeze, puncture, hole punch, saw I smiled, I listened to my music, and I wondered if any of the other yet-to-be-unwrapped presents under the tree werethe next two years, I occasionally had need of his gift, would wrapwire or unscrewing the back of the reht about the many ways it could be used to torture Kill