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CENTRAL PENNSYLVANIA

August 98 AV

Eight round yielded easily under her blade, unlocking a black s in the trees On her hands and knees, she stabbed the dirt, chopping it loose One handful at a time, she scooped it away Some of the weakness had abated but not all Her body felt loose, disorganized, drained There was pain, and the memory of pain Three days had passed, or was it four? Perspiration beaded on her face; she licked her lips to taste the salt She dug and dug The sweat ran in rivulets, falling into the earth That’s where everything goes, Alicia thought, in the end Everything goes into the earth

The pile beside her swelled How deep was enough? Three feet down, the soil began to change It becan She rocked back on her boots and took a long drink from her canteen Her hands were raw; the flesh at the base of her thumb had peeled back in a sheet She placed the web of her hand to her mouth and used her teeth to sever the flap of skin and spat it into the dirt

Soldier aiting for her at the edge of the clearing, his jaws loudly working on a stand of waist-high grass The grace of his haunches, his rich nificence of his hooves and teeth and the great black marbles of his eyes: an aura of splendor surrounded him He possessed, when he chose, an absolute calm, then, in the next moment, could perform remarkable deeds His wise face lifted at the sound of her approach I see We’re ready He turned in a slow arc, his neck bent low, and followed her into the trees to the place where she had pitched her tarp On the ground beside Alicia’s bloody bedroll lay the shter had lived less than an hour, yet in that hour Alicia had becoed The baby’s face was covered; Alicia drew back the cloth Soldier bent his face to the child’s, his nostrils flaring, breathing in her scent Tiny nose and eyes and rosebudin their humanness; her head was covered in a cap of soft red hair But there was no life, no breath Alicia had wondered if she would be capable of loving her--this child conceived in terror and pain, fathered by a monster A man who had beaten her, raped her, cursed her How foolish she’d been

She returned to the clearing The sun was directly overhead; insects buzzed in the grass, a rhythhter in the grave When her labor had started, Alicia had begun to pray Let her be all right As the hours of agony dissolved into one another, she had felt death’s cold presence inside her The pain pounded through her, a wind of steel; it echoed in her cells like thunder So Please, God, protect her, protect us But her prayers had fallen into the void

The first handful of soil was the hardest How did one do it? Alicia had buried many men Some she’d known, and sohtop So funny, so alive, then gone She let the dirt sift through her fingers It struck the cloth with a pattering sound, like the first spits of rain upon leaves Bit by bit her daughter disappeared Goodbye, she thought, goodbye, , my one

She returned to her tent Her soul felt shattered, like a lass inside her Her bones were tubes of lead She needed water, food; her stores were exhausted But hunting was out of the question, and the creek, a five-minute walk down the hillside, felt like miles away The needs of the body: what did theymattered She lay on her bedroll and closed her eyes, and soon she was asleep

She dreamed of a river A wide, dark river, and above it the olden road What lay ahead Alicia did not know, only that she needed to cross this river She took her first cautious step upon its glowing surface Her mind felt divided: half marveled at this unlikely mode of travel; the other half did not As the moon touched the far shore, she realized she had been deceived The shining pathas dissolving She broke into a run, desperate to reach the other side before the river sed her But the distance was too great; with every step she took, the horizon leapt farther away The water sloshed around her ankles, her knees, her waist She had no strength to fight its pull Come to me, Alicia Co, the river was taking her, she was plunging into darkness…

She awoke to a ht; the day had nearly passed She lay rown accustoed but never the feeling of the was different An aspect of the drea She looked down to see the widening stains Her milk had come in