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"I’m not in love with him!"

Graha forBut I couldn’t I refused to think about it Because if they were rightno, they couldn’t be I couldn’t do that to Ben Not lettingbut er

May 23, 2014

LIFTING THE BOTTLE toit down besideat the end of the hall as the fingers of my other hand folded and unfolded a nine-year-old note As the pad of my thumb ran over the worn paper, the words scrawled on it played over and over inotten out today If I’d thought before that they ords Grey would never hear, I kne for a fact that if she were to hear them, they would destroy whatever re up the note, I tossed it aside and rakedo back

If only I hadn’t been blasting my music--I would have heard her co over this , she wouldn’t have seen it or the other drawings of her, and I wouldn’t have confessed so that should have never been voiced A dozen other if-onlys went throughabout her horrified expression when I told her I loved her

My phone beeped, and I grabbed it off the floor I sighed roughly and ground e anyway

Grahaht you should knowGrey just left for Seattle She said she’s going to spend the sue three tihuntil her voicethe sae, I called Graha hier, she told us about what happened this "

My eyes widened and I let ainst I waited for Grahah for Grey, to hatethe reason she leftbut it never ca h on the other end of the phone, and he sighed "Grey seemed to think I hated you too," he mused "I don’t hate you There were ti to try to s for her and Ben because it wasn’t hard to see how you felt about her After he died, I kept waiting for you to rowled, but he spoke louder before I could continue

"She’s h to knohat you would do Obviously I rong in thinking that But I always kept uard up with you, because I just never knehat to expect I told Grey this , I respect you I respect what you did for her as a friend, and what you did for Ben as his You have no idea how much I appreciate what you’ve done for her in the last two years You helped herthat she had no fking clue how you felt You think I would have let her leave with just anyone after what happened the night of your graduation? Fuck no I want to be able to help her; I want to be able to protect her from all the bad shit in the world She should beschool Letting her leave with you was one of the easiest decisions I’ve ever made, because I know you are who she needs"

I sat there, not able to say anything I would’ve never expected anything like this from Graham

"When she was a kid, she needed ot older, she needed Ben Now she needs you I know she’s in love with you too, we all do"

I forced a laugh, but it sounded pained "No No, she’s not You didn’t see her face this "

"I saw her after I don’t knohat happened there, but I witnessed her freaking out over here I’ it, but I know she loves you She’s scared, Jagger, that’s all"

"I don’t--"

"She thinks she’s not allowed to love you Because of Ben, because of what you were to himbut she does, just trust us on this She’s always loved you, you’ve always been close, and that’s changed into soo after her, but I think she needs this She needs time away from this place and from you so she can see what exactly you er, she’ll be back"

I let the phone slide from my hand after we ended the call, and sat there for another hour until it got to be too , I went up toout to e of town and parkeddown in front of the headstone, I stared at it as I tried to cal, and broke instead I stu, and planted h my chest