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"Because there’s nothing to tell"

"Charlie" He sighed "Charlie, we’re worried about you I’ot what you wanted"

I turned and walked towardhi he would eventually leave

I HATE THIS place, I thought to myself two hours later

I would never understand why Grey and Jagger loved going there Keith, I kneas too young to fully understand what that placethere as the years went on

But even though Keith wasn’t with ht fresh flowers for Ben because I knew my son would have demanded theht during our last trip to the cemetery, I sat down in front of Ben’s headstone, and just stared at it as if I were staring Ben down himself

Minutes came and went before I broke the silence in the one-sided stare-down

"I never figured out why Grey always told ht it sounded like reopening old wounds Wounds I didn’t want to feel or see or face But I think I ht understand now Maybe, I don’t know" I trailed off, and let raves

"Or maybe I just knohy it sounded like absolute torture to try before Because before, I was still waiting for you to come back and love me when you never would Before, I was upset with you and mad at you, but still hopelessly in love with you Beforebefore, I was too blind to see that you never deserved me or the way I loved you

"I messed up, Ben Dea--he and I were probably doomed from the start We don’twe don’t fit, his life and mine" My voice wavered for the first time, and I tried to s back the e out "But even if we could have worked, I wouldn’t let us I kept waiting for hiuy I’d grown up with--because the guy I greith? That guy would do exactly what you did to ritted out, "I have let you ruin so s inafter you were gone I let you ruin any possible relationship I could’ve had, because all I wanted was you I let you ruin the best thing that has ever happened to me, or our son, because of what you did to me I’ve let you ruin me because I loved you, and you never deserved any of it"

Slowly, I stood from my spot and brushed off my pants as I blinked back tears and cleared my throat "You’re missed You are so missed Keith looks just like you, and it breaks my heart and fills it all at the same time to look at him and see you Thank you for hihts with you for sosomeone who never loved me"

I took a few steps back, then paused "For so , only to rip it away just days later when I was so sure you wanted it too I’ ruined the short ti in ain"

Chapter Twenty

Deacon

July 31, 2016

I’D SLEEPWALKED THROUGH the past month