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We had everything spread out on Margot’s old baby blanket, which was blue and nubby with a squirrel print I laid out a chipped tea set of Margot’s, ar that I rocery store, and a teddy bear for each of us We were all wearing hats, because I insisted “You have to wear a hat to a tea party,” I kept saying until Margot finally put hers on just so I’d stop She had on Mo a tennis visor, and I’d fancied up an old fur hat of Grand lukewarm tea out of the thermos and into cups when Josh climbed up on the fence and watched us The month before, from the upstairs playrooirls, but thenthe

Josh sat up on the fence, not saying anything, and Margot was really stiff and embarrassed; her cheeks were red, but she kept her hat on Kitty was the one to call out to hiy, and he kept shaking it out of his eyes He earing a red T-shirt with a hole in the shoulder

Kitty asked him, “What’s your name?”

“Josh”

“You should play with us, Josh,” Kitty commanded

So he did

I didn’t know it then, how important this boy would become to me and to the people I love the most But even if I had knohat could I have done differently? It was never going to be h

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I THOUGHT I WAS OVER hiood-byes, I meant it, I swear I did It wasn’t even that hard, not really Not when I thought about how e Margot a first love? Margot, who’d sacrificed so much for all of us She always, always put Kitty andMargot first

But now, sitting here alone inroom, with my sister four thousand miles away and Josh next door, all I can think is, Josh Sanderson, I liked you first By all rights, you were mine And if it had been me, I’d have packed you in my suitcase and taken you with me, or, you knohat, I would have stayed I would have never left you Not in athese kinds of thoughts, feeling these kinds of feelings, it’s ht traitorous It one less than a week and look at me, how fast I cave How fast I covet I’ reater betrayal than that But what now? What as?

I suppose there’s only one thing I can do I’ll write hies as it takes to X ahatever feelings I have left for hio topen, the one with the really s paper, and I begin to write

PS I still love you

I still love you and that’s a really huge problee surprise I swear I didn’t know All this tiht I was over it How could I not be, when it’s Margot you love? It’s always been Margot