Page 38 (1/1)

She was crying, really crying, and I was so stunned by it that I just stood there She spun away fro herself farther into the corner

You just replaced hi to you

Was that really what she thought? A deep, echoing pain ripped through me That I’d neverthat I’d never cared about theinning, I knoas, but it had only been to protectthe walls fro vulnerable like that in the League, not when I needed to survive

It had seeood or bad, at Thurot away fro black noticed There, if you were still, you were mostly invisible; if you couldn’t be provoked and punished, you were left alone I’d fallen right back into that strategy at the League, functioning fro every stray feeling to avoid exploding with how unfair it all was, how terrifying, and how crushing So no one, even for a second, would questionti myself from the world and everyone in it

But JudeJude had burrowed right in, either oblivious to what I was doing, or trying in spite of it

Did she blame me for all of this? If she had been Leader, would any of this have ever happened? Would we allI closed es that stor on his own blood Jude’s broken back, twisted legs The look in his eyes, like he was begging

That daain that it would have been instantaneousthat hisas it so hard to say the word "death"? He’d died, not passed away Jude hadn’t passed anywhere He hadn’t slipped away He’d died His life was over There would never be another word from him; he’d come to an end the way all stories eventually did He wasn’t in a better place He wasn’t with me Jude was buried with all of his hopes under ceed, her voice raw, "even now, you can’t even fking deny it, can you? Just leave o away before I--"

"You think I don’t know that it was my fault? That if I had kept him closeif I hadn’t let hiine hoas for hiht I wonder howto my face every time he swears it would have been too quick for hi back to it, over and over He must have been so scared--it was so dark down there, wasn’t it? And he just fell behind Do you think he realized it? That he aiting for us to co, but I couldn’t stop myself "he shouldn’t have been out at allhe was only fifteen, he was only fifteen"

Vida backed against the wall, sliding down it, openly sobbing, both hands pressed to her face "It wassee that? I was in the back, you weren’t even close to him! I should have heard him, I should have made him walk in front ofat all!"

"No--Vi, no" I crouched down in front of her "It was so loud down there--"

This wasn’t her fault at all I felt a fierce surge of protectiveness go throughher so vulnerable Later, when she pulled herself back together, it would edto block the view of her fro down the hall When I reached out to her, she didn’t stop me

"You and Cate, you won’t even say his na to box him up and put him away"

"I know you think I don’t care" My chest felt unbearably tight "It’s justif I don’t hold these things in, I feel like I’ll dissolve But you, all of youthe only thing I’ve ever wanted was to keep us all together and safe, and I can’t ever ed her knees to her chest "I get it They’re your people"

"And you’re not?" I asked "There’s no ranking of who I care about most I couldn’t do it even if I tried"

"Well if the building was on fire, ould you save first?"

"Vida!"

She rolled her eyes, wiping her face "Oh, cal Obviously it wouldn’t be me I can take care of my own damn business"

"I know," I said "I don’t knoho I’d try to save first, but if I had to pick someone to back me up on the rescue, there wouldn’t be any question"

She shrugged and after a while said quietly, "The thought of going back into that roo tointo roo to be there It’s like a punch to the goddamn throat when I catchfor him to come around each corner"