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Somehow, I lost it

I know I ave irl first showed up a few years ago

"Whatever you fought about, it’s not worth it," Ashley had whispered to"I hate to see you guys like this She doesn’t even talk now"

This swell of hurt and fear and so that felt too close to panic had tackledin and out of me in sharp bursts There was no explanation for it, other than I wassoet faces I didn’t forget anything And yet everyone was acting like she’d been with us fro me dizzy with these looks of confusion and pity and curiosity I broke into a cold sweat at Ashley’s words The pieces of ether after the punishan to drift apart

Is this the second wave? I re Do we slowly lose e can do? Were ourto one day blink out?

But all the other cards were in place I tested it every ht Address nues of the Bible Patterns of Christmas tree ornaments No Ruby, never any Ruby before that ht over to ri in the Factory all day with us And she’d grippedher out fro with pain The PSF that day had pounded e for hours Ilook, so I ht Ruby in while I was gone

That was the only word she ever said to me: Ruby I asked when she’d coed to choke out was her own name

The truth is, she lived like a shadow Silent, always trying to make herself as small and quick as she possibly could The PSFs, they never picked on her, they never noticed her, and it was hard not to be resentful when I could barelymy hair back into a ponytail

How can I reh the da, but she’s just not there? She’s dissolved like s, feel so awful about it, when you’re not sure you had it in the first place?

Fro--a hurry the heck up I can tell we have a day of rain ahead of us by the way therain, it means it’s too war

The winter uniforreen sweats There are no coats, unless you’re working in the Garden The Laundry, Factory, and Kitchen are all, in theory, heated At the end of each Garden shift, you pass the woolen gray monstrosities back in; I can’t tell if it’s because they just aren’t willing to pony up and pay for coats for the whole ca inside of the strawberries, I don’t know

I take another deep breath and hold it ininto my spot in line, the earthy dampness of the cabin finally fades under the faent, shahts that snapped on at the alarm wash everyone’s skin out to a chalky ash

The electronic door locks click one, two, and three before the heavyover our lopsided lines With Ruby gone atElizabeth alone at the back to ith the stare of the PSF burning into her neck

The steel-gray light fro I blink e to hold up a hand to shield theeneral state of the cabin

Rather than say a word, the woht, low bun beneath her black cap, whistled and waved us forward, the way she would have called a dog to her side It set e and spunabout her s back and forth bethatever is standing out along the soggy trail and us

I square my shoulders as Vanessa and I pass by her, a halfhearted atte of it turns our skin pink and our breath white I rong about it not being cold enough to snow; in a West Virginia winter, what’s rain one moment turns to icy sleet in the next, and then, just as you settle into thatdown around you like feathers

I’ive in to the clench ofthem how badly my body wants to shiver, I don’t even see them until the lines have filed out behind me Cabins are opened and eoing, stopping again as everyone is led out onto their right trail, wherever it is they’re supposed to be going--wash houses, Mess Hall, or straight to work until lunch It’s timed down to the second, and half of the time I think it only works because everyone’s too tired and cold to try to resist being dragged into the pattern What’s the point, anyway?