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Because they hadn’t known--none of them had known, and now that they did, it was over It was all over now, and I would never have that back

I wished that I had gone for the panic button I wished that Cate could come and take me away from them, back to the only people ould ever embrace me for the monster I was

NINETEEN

WHEN I WAS ABOUT TO TURN ten years old, theabout that nuits It didn’t really feel much like a birthday, anyway At dinner, I sat bookended byto ignore the fact that neither of the--to each other, or to lassy because of the argument they’d had a half hour before; she was still valiantly trying to gather up kids for a surprise birthday party for me, but Dad forced her to call and cancel Said it wasn’t the kind of year to be celebrating, and, as the last kid alive onthe birthday banner and tie up the usual cluster of balloons outside I heard the whole thing from the top of the stairs

I didn’t really care about the birthday either way It wasn’t like I had anyone left I really wanted to invite What was more important to me was the fact that, at ten, I was suddenly old--or rather, would be old soon I’d start to look like the girls in the h heels and h school

"In ten years from tomorrow, I’ll be twenty" I don’t knohy I said it out loud It was just this profound realization, and it had to be shared

The silence that folloas actually painful Moht up and pressed her napkin to her ht stand up and leave, but Dad’s hand ca her like an anchor

Dad finished chewing on his barbecued chicken before giving es He leaned doays so our identical green eyes ht, Little Bee And how old will you be ten years after that?"

"Thirty," I said "And you’ll be…fifty-two!"

He chuckled "That’s right! Halfway to the--"

Grave, rave Dad realized his mistake before the word fully left his mouth, but it didn’t matter All three of us knehat he meant

Grave

I knehat death was I knehat happened after you died At school, they brought in special visitors to talk to the kids that caave her presentation teeks before Christlasses that covered half of her face She wrote everything out on the whiteboard, in thick, capital letters DEATH IS NOT SLEEPING IT HAPPENS TO EVERYONE IT COULD HAPPEN AT ANY TIME YOU DO NOT COME BACK