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Maybe if I give theh to watch when I swim alone, they’ll paythat I could draw a crowd? The thought terrifies me, but then my time in the lanes would serve two purposes: I could train for the swim to the Above, and I could ain, same time tomorrow," I tell Aldo "Tell anyone who’s interested And I’ll do so to care?" he asks

"They already do," I say, pointing at the crowd They think I’ainstme take risks myself

I don’t have extra clothes with me, so I have to drip my way hoes, with flaky crusts and nuts and raisins and brown sugar inside My stoer But I need to save my coin Every bit of it I worry already about how much I’ve spent I need to make all the money back, and much more besides

I pause for a moment near a stall where a vendor sells tiny bottles of dirt (marked as REAL AND FROM ABOVE) In spite of the labels, I feel certain that the dirtto the wo hands to buy a bottle fro up close, I want to tell her, and this isn’t it

I knohat dirt looks like because e jar of earth that sits on top of the altar She even let us open the jar We couldn’t touch the dirt, but we could certainly see how dark and rich it was, and sometimes I felt that the smell of it was the smell of home

But not everyone is as lucky as I was, and if this woman wants to think she has a tiny jar of real soil, perhaps it’s worth it After all, I liked believing that , and that turned out not to be true

Was it ever true?

I knoas

When did it change?

I have no idea

I don’t realize that I’ve stopped walking until soed clothes A few children point and laugh atis heavy

I want this pain offabout why Bay left and whether or not I can believe Maire The swiood, because I didn’t have to think of Bay while I was doing it, but it’s also when I’m exhausted that the dark loneliness breaks in

And I realize that in order to go up through the floodgates, I have to trade places with soe myself like a body I have to hide the real corpse, whoever it is they ates to open, I a for someone to die so that I can leave

I pass the vendors who sell jewelry--ornate silver; round, carved beads; puddles of stone and glass held together ire andthat stops ed on black velvet in a glass-lidded case, and even though I don’t care anything about jewelry, I know that ring