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‘Always?’ I whisper ‘There’s no chance…?’

‘There is always a s with surgery, or with the i is fail-safe It is , to deter of the question she asked er! Let in the pain

But I can’t bear it…

You must

I hold Ben’s face inlike the wind Holding my hand Love Ben he said on his note But overlaid on it all the last ti, in pain, and I left hi my eyes

Bzzzz… 42

Bzzzz… 37

Dr Lysander pushes an intercom, speaks into it A nurse appears They talk over my head and the nurse jabs h me, and my levels start a slow climb up

The nurse leaves and Dr Lysander taps at her screen, glances at h for today,’ she says ‘But, Kyla, believe et easier’

The way she says the words…so like Mum

‘Do you know?’ I whisper

‘What do youhorrible happened’

She twitches in her seat: a nerve has been touched For an instant there is pain in her eyes, a flash of soone Her face is blank She has a poker face, too

‘Go hoet out of otten ere talking about last time But we’ll leave it for today’

A brief reprieve, then Not an escape

It’s not until late that night, lying in bed, hoping for sleep, that I realise my mistake I’m not supposed to know that Ben tried to cut off his Levo But when Dr Lysander started talking about it, I didn’t ask her why, or act surprised, or anything

Oops Aelse If she truly knows nothing about Ben and what happened to hi

Absolute darkness surrounds me I open my eyes wide and wider, but it is inky, and black I can see nothing I hate it! I lash out at the brick walls, the tight circle that surrounds this space where I stand There isn’t enough rooer holds to climb up

There must be a way out

Rapunzel’s tower had a ; she had long hair All I have is darkness; fingernails, fists, and feet

And anger I ha Until finally, exhausted, I sluainst the wall That is when I feel it with my hand

A little h I scratch and claw, again and again, not worrying about fingernails or blood or skin Hands heal, as I know too well

Finally there is a tiny glint of light I almost cry with relief It tantalises, but is too far down for h, to see what is out there No h in this confined space

Enough! I howl in rage

Let me out!

CHAPTER FIFTY ONE

I sleep late, and when I finally open my eyes I’m surprised Mum has let ht I’d had to leave the light on, darkness too thick and heavy to tolerate, and lay there, thinking, then finally got outmyself drift back to sleep once the sun was up

What does er is in a prison, it needs to stay there It won’t take away the pain, just delay it I can’t stop feeling what I feel about Ben or anything else Anywho I ained events How can I tell the How can I even be sure that what Ben wanted to do was really wrong?

Aiden is right If Ben died, the blame lies square and certain on the Lorders and their hospitals The government, and doctors like er on the He wanted to join the terrorists He was careful what he said; he didn’t want etthere to linkto do, but I a

Not erous But the way he wants to do things is right

I take out my sketches fro Ben, Phoebe, even Lucy I can’t turn my back on them The world needs to know And most of all, I need to knohat happened to Ben?

Downstairs, A ho soup

She smiles when I come in ‘Awake, at last I can see the extra sleep has done you soood’

I smile back at her It wasn’twithin myself, I think I knohat I want to do now What I need to do That makes me look rested in a way I haven’t since I firstfor a walk,’ I announce

Mu, but heavy, black clouds are creeping in fro half the sky ‘Better ?’ Ao alone’

‘Stick to e, past the footpath Amy and Jazz always take Where Ben and I walked – no, ran – ahead of thes followed

I continue, to the end of the village: past a far back whenat first, I scan along the fields, the trees…and there he is An owl, perched on a fence post Snohite and looking back atthe world like he owns it But it is daytiht creatures

But no one has told him about it

Fascinated, I stare

He stares back, and I step closer, off the road and along a faint path between the fence and the woods I get near enough to see his eyes, the definition of his feathers Then he flies off Flapping great white wings, so like the ate at the end of the field this time Maybe twenty ?

And so I step towards hiain Each time I halve the distance between us, he flies on, then waits until I follow

This goes on for a while, until we are well into the woods, and I begin to realise that I aone I haven’t been paying attention to where ht above The sky rolls in, black and furious now, covering the sun Rain will soon follow He rests on a tree branch, this tih up that he doesn’t fly ahen I draw close