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We had Group at hospital also, so I know the story We’re supposed to talk about our feelings in a ‘supportive non-judgemental atmosphere’, but it usually see

Penny crosses her arms ‘Does anyone remember what you need to do now?’

They look at each other

This is painful

Until finally the older girl turns away fro paint dry Introduce yourselves before we all die of old age’

I feelwith everyone else in the circle She was saying, out loud, the kind of stuff I say in my head How did she dare?

Penny frowns ‘Thank you for setting us straight Perhaps you’d care to begin?’

‘Sure Greetings dear Kyla; I ain to chi Unaware that Tori’s voice was dripping with sarcasm All that is, except for Penny, who still frowns at Tori

Once the introductions are over, Penny glances at the clock: ten past seven ‘Well, I suppose we had better…’

But then the door flies open at the back

‘Sorry I’ed across the floor; Tori pushes hers to one side to make room, and he sits next to her

Penny pretends to look stern ‘You ?’

‘Good, thanks’ He smiles, and as Penny smiles back, I see it in her eyes: Nurse’s pet He’s not the least bit worried about being late, and neither is she He is the favoured one

Not surprising He’s obviously been Slated longer than everyone here, except perhaps Tori His smile is real rather than dazed, the sort of s, Penny said: he is wearing shorts although it is a cool night; his legs are well s to his back and shoulders His skin is a light bronze that says he is outsideher first real sht at Ben It transforirl? I’ Colour climbs up my cheeks

‘Kyla?’ Penny prompts, and I jump

Tori rolls her eyes ‘Yes, Ben, you’ve missed the introductions Ben, this is Kyla; Kyla, this is Ben’

‘Welcoht into et started, then?’ Penny says She looks around the circle at every face, then stops on mine ‘Kyla, why are you here? Why are we all here?’

I stare at her blankly

The answer in my mind – because we have to be – ht answer I’d worked out at the hospital Group that although it is , it is best not to be too honest Too much honesty landed me several times in with Dr Lysander for a tinker in my brain that left me exhausted and fuzzy for days

I smile widely and don’t answer Nurses usually fall for that if they don’t know me too well

‘Kyla, we are here to support each other in our transition fro her own question ‘Noere you in hospital?’ She s I eneral teres in my brain that added up to me: my personality,is done: danger to self or society being the most common But I don’t knohy they did it in my particular case Is this in Nurse Penny’s files some place?

‘Well, Kyla?’ she says

‘You tell me’

Tori looks up, meets my eyes Interest and ah of these things to know no real ansill be forthco up his hand

‘We were given a new beginning,’ he says As he snition: liquid brown eyes, dark hair pulled back that curls just past his ears, all somehow familiar As if I already know him I shake myself internally, force my eyes away

‘Exactly,’ Penny says ‘Now today, everyone, we are going to pick up where we left off last week Does anyone re about to tell Kyla?’

She looks around but nobody volunteers

‘We were talking about ht now?’

We dutifully check and call out I am lowest at 48

Penny looks concerned ‘What are your strategies?’

‘What do youthes from people Or, lately, stroke the cat’

‘These are all external things to s inside yourself?’

Well,useful

‘What level are we ai for?’ She addresses the Group Discussion follows and I tune out I’ve heard it before, many times

Level er that could kill or o below 3 you are heading for la-la land: the Levo zaps the chip in your brain, and you black out like I did the other night Just in case there are any violent i so out, it goes more than a zap More like a barbeque Seizures follow, and if you co idiot

Penny scans through files on her netbook, tsk tsking ‘I see you have quite a history, of nightmares and blackouts Let’s see if we can help Kyla with strategies Everyone?’

She doesn’t seem to know anyone’s actual name Doesn’t she know even Slateds don’t answer to ‘Everyone’?

She points at one after another for an answer, and I listen, interested despite estions follow; so else Repeating ti tiles on the floor Ben runs: I know that one I used to spend hours on the treads fade away and all that exists is the thu the unknown into facesbetween to create boundaries Is that why I do it?

Visualisation: go some other place in your mind A ‘Happy Place’, in nurse-speak

Transference: put your feelings on someone else

Dissociation: beco an expert at that one