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I crouched next to the bed She looked like hell Maybe today I could get her to shower or brush her hair "Mom?" I touched her wrist, which was turned up in sleep, her palm open like a child’s Her brown eyes fluttered open for just a moment She was there with me It was the smallest of seconds, less than a heartbeat, but then I saw it take her, the knowledge that he was still gone, that this was real life, and her eyes glazed over

"Morocery shop today The house has no food and the kids went back to school" I could tell she processed what I said, but she didn’t respond "I think Gus has hockey this week, but I don’t know January’s wall calendar isn’t complete" Usually, her calendars were ain She had to respond "Mom, I don’t know if I should use your debit card, or the extra cash lying around, but I have to shop today Is there anything I can get for you?"

"Sleep," she murmured "I just want to sleep"

Her eyes closed, and she was gone as soon as she said the words My fingernails bit into my palms where I clenchedscream, but that would be childish About as childish as the burning green envy twisting my stomach into knots I wanted the sweet escape she had

I pulled her purse off the peg in the mudroom and elasses, keys, and the giant black notebook she lovingly called "The Brain," all appeared before me I opened The Brain up to January and saw that Gus had hockey beginning again this afternoon The other dates in the calendar see as I wouldn’t be here for theure this out quickly

One rief-ridden house and I could return to college Kayla had already flown back to Boulder fro her parents in Massachusetts I’d be back at the parties, the mixers, and classes I wouldn’t have to think about whether or not April was up for school, or if my mother had eaten that day I could be with Riley

He hadn’t been around ized profusely, but I knew the aardness of this house was nothing he was prepared for, even though he’d been a part of this fa to be normal, the way it was in Boulder, and I did, too The problem was that normal wasn’t an option for me anymore, but he hadn’t really shown up for me the last teeks, so he didn’t know that

I wasn’t sure norot back to Boulder

"Just take her debit card," Grams commented frohts I hadn’t noticed she’d crept in "You know better than I do what this house uses, so you take yourself to that store"

I showered, dressed, dried rabbed my keys and Mom’s wallet on my way out the door "And December," Graet out of the house tonight That’s an order"

"Uh-huh," I called back absentrocery store was pretty e of red apples into the cart and hunted for the poranates April loved I moved on to Mom’s coffee creamer and included the cookies Gus craved Iteht to turn it, and then I had to figure out where to put theelse would fit in the cart My phone buzzed

Kayla: Can’t wait to see you next week!

The feeling wasrong She was netic, vivacious, and my best friend in Boulder

Ember: Man, do I need you! Let s before start of term If not, I’ll catch you there!

Kayla: Will do! S

I paid forfor ain, but Riley would have a cow He knew all about the crush I’d had on Josh freshirl had had one Josh had been forbidden, untouchable, and a little dangerous, if those ru kicked out of his previous school coirls, and the legend that was Josh Walker was pretty iven Not that I had to worry about Josh; he didn’t exactly look h I’d seen girls on his ar If Josh had been interested in a girl in high school, there was only one reason Even if I wasn’t with Riley, there’s zero chance I’d set myself up to be taken down by a player like Josh Besides, I’d always be with Riley

I loaded the groceries into the trunk and headed to Starbucks for an afternoon fix

As the barista filled my order from the drive-thru , I opened my sunroof and tilted id, but the sun strokinghad felt good sincewell, notification

A smile spread across my face as the scent of my salted caramel ht; I needed to get out of the house and remind myself that life still waited out there

A dozen or so trips later, I had the bags spread out in the kitchen, the contents spilling onto the counter I heard the door open a scant second before Gus hit the entryway, a cacophony of sta a box of Fruit Roll-Ups from the counter "Snacks!"