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Silas turned his head to her, and his eyes latched on to hers "But then you’re right next to it, and you tense up, and your heart is breaking so you just have to know--except there’s this sudden rush of relief because it’s like a sofa cushion or a wadded-up towel or part of a blanket It only looked like soot hurt, it only had the appearance of an innocent animal killed by a cruel intersection of speed and trajectory So you enjoy this sweet relief afterward, this feeling of…it’s okay Only a trick of the eyes and theaway "I toldto my body was…nor the day, staring at the ceiling, constructing all ht…it’s not what killed led out

Blinking hard, Ivie took his hand and squeezed "I’m so sorry God, I’m just…so sorry"

"I was too embarrassed to takeover at her "When erelove I didn’t want you to see me for what I really was I loved the way you looked at me when I touched you, kissed you, was inside you In thoseto yourself in the past tense You’re still here"

"No, I’ion "I haven’t been myself for quite a while--and I refuse to pretend otherwise anymore They didn’t want to tell me I was terminal, you know They still haven’t used the word to me directly, and I was ambivalent about that for a while I kind of didn’t want that term to be tossed around But after my last collapse--well, the one before this one…that’s when they started talking about the private nurse And someone, I can’t remember whether it was Havers or not, said hospice That was how I kneas the end, and it motivated me, you know, to try to be with you Well, that and it’s iht the attraction I feel for you"

Silas’s s that stained your brain so you never forgot the iht, but she could tell there was a subtle change in his skin color from the liver issues And the hollows in his cheeks seemed deeper And his e of his disease had shaded his features, adding a filter such that that which had not been noticeable before, when his heath had been soranted, was now all too evident

"I’ to harp at you to take et you hoether, and--"

He squeezed her palm "You sure you want to do this? I liked it better ere on equal footing"

"I’ets, I’ you"

"Why couldn’t I have ht time"

As she spoke, she intended to keep the sorrow out of her voice She failed, though

Getting to her feet, she put a s a list, dearest Ivie"

"We need soht back"

As she headed for the staff door, he craned his head around "Where are you going? If you’re hungry, the chef willyou want?"

"I need fifteen minutes Twenty at the very most"

On i over him, she stroked his face Then she dropped down and brushed his lips with her own

"Don’t go anywhere," she whispered

"Well, hell, and here I thought I was going to head out for a quick jog around the block"

She was a little eot over that fast The horrible reality was that patients like hian failure at the drop of a hat, so holding back was not so she could afford to do

"I love you"

"I love you, too" His eyes crinkled at the corners as he grinned "And may I just tell you that I adore the sound of those words inthem"

Chapter Twelve

"It’s a Happy Meal!"