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And then he pulled back ‘I … I’m sorry No –’

My eyes opened I lifted a hand to his face and let it trace his beautiful bones I felt the faint grit of salt under an ‘You can You –’

‘No’ It held a hint of metal, that word ‘I can’t’

‘I don’t understand’

‘I don’t want to go into it’

‘Uo into it’

‘I can’t do this because I can’t … ’ he sed ‘I can’t be the man I want to be with you And that means that this –’ he looked up into my face ‘– this just becoo of his face I tipped my forehead forward so that it touched his, so that our breath led, and I said, quietly, so that only he could have heard me, ‘I don’t care what you … what you think you can and can’t do It’s not black and white Honestly … I’ve talked to other people in the sas that are possible Ways that we can both be happy … ’ I had begun to sta this conversation I looked up and into his eyes ‘Will Traynor,’ I said, softly ‘Here’s the thing I think we can do –’

‘No, Clark –’ he began

‘I think we can do all sorts of things I know this isn’t a conventional love story I know there are all sorts of reasons I shouldn’t even be saying what I am But I love you I do I knehen I left Patrick And I think you ht even love me a little bit’

He didn’t speak His eyes searched ht of sadness within them I stroked the hair away from his temples, as if I could somehow lift his sorrow, and he tilted his head to meet the palm of my hand, so that it rested there

He sed ‘I have to tell you so’

Will’s mouth closed on his words The air seemed to still around us

‘I know about Switzerland I knohy I was employed on a six-month contract’

He lifted his head away froazed upwards at the skies His shoulders sagged

‘I know it all, Will I’ve known for ht hand in ht it up close to my chest ‘I knoe can do this I know it’s not how you would have chosen it, but I know I can make you happy And all I can say is that you ine You make me happy, even when you’re awful I would rather be with you – even the you that you seem to think is diminished – than with anyone else in the world’

I felt his fingers tighten a fraction around e

‘If you think it’s too weird withemployed by you, then I’ll leave and I’ll work somewhere else I wanted to tell you – I’ve applied for a college course I’ve done loads of research on the internet, talking to other quads and carers of quads, and I have learnt so much, so much about how to make this work So I can do that, and just be with you You see? I’ve thought of everything, researched everything This is how I ahing ‘You’ve turned me into my sister But with better dress sense’

He had closed his eyes I placed both my hands around his, lifted his knuckles to ainstthat I could not let hio

‘What do you say?’ I whispered

I could have looked into his eyes forever

He said it so quietly, that for a minute I could not be sure I had heard him correctly

‘What?’

‘No, Clark’

‘No?’

‘I’h’

I lowered his hand ‘I don’t understand’

He waited before he spoke, as if he were struggling, for once, to find the right words ‘It’s not enough for me This – my world – even with you in it And believe ed for the better since you cah for me It’s not the life I want’

Noas et that this could be a good life I get that with you around, perhaps it could even be a very good life But it’s not my life I a like the life I want Not even close’ His voice was halting, broken His expression frightenedht in thethat defined me You said I could choose what it was that defined me Well, you don’t have to let that … that chair define you’

‘But it does define me, Clark You don’t knowI loved my life, Clark Really loved it I loveda physical person I liked ridingpeople in business deals I liked hing sx Lots of sex I led a big life’ His voice had lifted now ‘I a – and yet for all intents and purposes it is now the thing that definesthat definesit a chance,’ I whispered My voice didn’t seeyou a chance I’ve watched you these sixa whole different person, so to see her possibilities You have no idea how happy that has made me I don’t want you to be tied to me, to my hospital appointments, to the restrictions on s soive you And, selfishly, I don’t want you to look at ret or pity that –’

‘I would never think that!’