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‘You know, don’t you?’

‘Knohat?’

‘About … what he wants to do’

The silence in the room was sudden and intense

Nathan looked atup how to reply

‘I know,’ I said ‘I’m not meant to, but I do That’s what … that’s what the holiday was s were all about Me trying to change hison the table ‘I did wonder,’ he said ‘You seemed … to be on a mission’

‘I was Aive up, or to tellcould be done, I wasn’t sure

‘What are we going to do, Nathan?’

It took hiain ‘You knohat, Lou? I really like Will I don’t uy I’ve been with him two years now I’ve seen hiood days, and all I can say to you is I wouldn’t be in his shoes for all theof his tea ‘There have been ti because in his drea stuff and just for those few ht down and it’s all a bit raw, he literally can’t bear the thought of never doing it again He can’t bear it I’ve sat there with hioing to make it any better He’s been dealt the shittiest hand of cards you can iht and I thought about his life and what it’s likely to beco I’d like uy to be happy, I … I can’t judge him for what he wants to do It’s his choice It should be his choice’

My breath had started to catch in my throat ‘But … that was before You’ve all admitted that it was before I caht?’

‘Sure, but –’

‘But if we don’t have faith that he can feel better, even get better, then how is he supposed to keep the faith that good thingson the table He looked straight into et better’

‘You don’t know that’

‘I do Unless there is so at another decade in that chair Minimum He knows it, even if his folks don’t want to admit it And this is half the trouble She wants to keep him alive at any cost Mr T thinks there is a point where we have to let hiets to decide, Nathan But he has to see what his actual choices are’

‘He’s a bright guy He knows exactly what his choices are’

My voice lifted in the little roo You tell me he was in the saed his outlook even a little bit just throughhere’

‘I can’t see inside his head, Lou’

‘You know I’ve changed the way he thinks’

‘No, I know that he will do prettytothrough the motions just to keep me happy?’ I felt furious with Nathan, furious with theood, ere you going to come at all? Why did you even want to come on this trip? Just a nice holiday, was it?’

‘No I want him to live’

‘But –’

‘But I want hi him to carry on, you, me – no matter how much we love hi away his choices’

Nathan’s words reverberated into the silence I wiped a solitary tear from my cheek and tried to make my heart rate return to normal Nathan, apparently embarrassed by my tears, scratched absently at his neck, and then, after a minute, silently handed me a piece of kitchen roll

‘I can’t just let it happen, Nathan’

He said nothing

‘I can’t’