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‘Don’t you think it’s actually harder for you … to adapt, Iif it would have been easier for you If you’d led a smaller life To live like this, I s I’ve done Because most days, if you’re stuck in one of these, all you have are the places in your ht, as if it cost hi about the view of the castle from the minimart, or that lovely row of shops down off the roundabout, then, no My life was just fine, thanks’

I slid off the table I wasn’t entirely sure how, but I felt, yet again, like I’d so board on the drainer

‘And Lou, I’’

‘Yeah Well’ I turned, and began rinsing the chopping board under the sink ‘Don’t think that’s going to get you your tenner back’

Two days later Will ended up in hospital with an infection A precautionary h it was obvious to everyone that he was in a lot of pain Soics had no sensation but, while he was impervious to temperature, below his chest Will could feel both pain and touch I went in to see his to eat, and offering to keep him company, but peculiarly I felt in the way, and realized quite quickly that Will didn’t actually want the extra attention in there He told o home and enjoy some time to myself

A year previously, I would have wasted those free days; I would have trawled the shops, one over to meet Patrick for lunch I would probably have watched soue atteht have slept a lot

Noever, I felt oddly restless and dislocated I et up early, a purpose toto work out that this tian to research I looked up every website about quadriplegics that I could find, and worked out things we could do when Will was better I wrote lists, adding to each entry the equipht need to consider for each event

I discovered chat rooms for those with spinal injuries, and found there were thousands ofhidden lives in London, Sydney, Vancouver, or just down the road – aided by friends or faly alone

I wasn’t the only carer interested in these sites There were girlfriends, asking how they could help their partners gain the confidence to go out again, husbands seeking advice on the latest medical equipo on sand or off-road, clever hoists or inflatable bathing aids

There were codes to their discussions I worked out that SCI was a spinal cord injury, AB the able-bodied, a UTI an infection I saw that a C4/5 spinal injury was far more severe than a C11/12, most of whom still seemed to have use of their arms or torso There were stories of love and loss, of partners struggling to cope with disabled spouses as well as young children There ives who felt guilty that they had prayed their husbands would stop beating theain There were husbands anted to leave disabled wives but were afraid of the reaction of their community There was exhaustion and despair, and a lot of black hus, other people’s well- out of chairs seemed to be a common theme And there were threads about suicide – those anted to, those who encouraged theive themselves more time, to learn to look at their lives in a different way I read each thread, and felt like I was getting a secret insight into the workings of Will’s brain

At lunchtime I left the library and went for a brief walk around town to clear my head I treatedthe swans in the lake below the castle It arh for me to take off my jacket, and I letcuriously restful about watching the rest of the world getting on with its business After spending allable to walk out and eat my lunch in the sun felt like a freedom

When I had finished, I walked back to the library, reclaimed e

Hi – I aic He was very successful and dyna to his new one In fact, I know that he does not want to live, and I a his mind Please could anyone tell ht enjoy, or ways I could get hiratefully received

I called myself Busy Bee Then I sat back in my chair, chewed at my thumbnail for a bit, and finally pressed ‘Send’

When I sat down at the tered into the chat room, and blinked as I saw the list of names, the responses which had coht The first one said:

Dear Busy Bee,

Welcoain a lot of co out for hiht

Most of us on here have hit a definite hump at some point in our lives It may be that your friend has hit his Don’t let him push you away Stay positive And remind him that it is not his place to decide both e enter and depart this world, but that of the Lord He decided to change your friend’s life, in His oisdom and there may be a lesson in it that He –

I scanned down to the next one

Dear Bee,

There is no way around it, being a quad can suck If your guy was a bit of a player too, then he is going to find it extra hard These are the things that helped me A lot of company, even when I didn’t feel like it Good food Good docs Good meds, depression meds when necessary You didn’t say where you were based, but if you can get hi to others in the SCI community it may help I was pretty reluctant at first (I think some part of me didn’t want to admit I was actually a quad) but it does help to know you’re not alone out there

Oh, and DON’T let hi Bell and the Butterfly

Major downer!

Let us kno you get on

All best,

Ritchie

I looked up The Diving Bell and the Butterfly ‘The story of astroke, and his attempts to communicate with the outside world,’ it said I wrote the title down onso to make sure Will avoided it, or so I remembered to watch it