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I lowered Will’s chair, got hied his shoes and trousers, put the beer-stained ones in the washingso that he would warm up I put the television on, and drew the curtains so that the roorew cosy around us – perhaps cosier for the time spent out in the cold air But it was only when I sat in the living roo – not out of exhaustion, or because he wanted to watch the television He just wasn’t talking tothe matter?’ I said, when he failed to respond to my third comment about the local news

‘You tellelse there is to know about me You tell me’

I stared at him ‘I’m sorry,’ I said, finally ‘I know today didn’t turn out quite like I planned But it was just ht you’d enjoy it’

I didn’t add that he was being deterh just to get him to try to enjoy hiood ties we ht have been forgotten

‘That’s my point’

‘What?’

‘Oh, you’re no different from the rest of them’

‘What does that mean?’

‘If you’d bothered to ask me, Clark If you’d bothered to consultof ours, I could have told you I hate horses, and horse racing Always have But you didn’t bother to ask ht you’d like me to do, and you went ahead and did it You did what everyone else did You decided for me’

I sed

‘I didn’t mean to –’

‘But you did’

He turned his chair away from me and, after a couple more minutes of silence, I realized I had been dis fearless

It was alo, in the last lazy, heat-slurred days of July, when the narrow streets around the castle were thick with tourists, and the air filled with the sound of theirfootsteps and the chimes of the ever-present ice crearand illness, and that suently s mine andour usual summer routines of brief holidays and days out My id with the effort of trying to suppress her tears, while Dad disappeared to work eachhours later shiny-faced from the heat and unable to speak before he had cracked open a beer My sister was home from her first year at university, her head already somewhere far from our small town I enty and wouldone of those rare summers of utter freedo to anybody I had a seasonal job and all the hours in the world to practise enerally work out who I was

I dressed normally, in those days Or, I should say, I dressed like the other girls in town – long hair, flicked over the shoulder, indigo jeans, T-shirts tight enough to show off our tiny waists and high brsts We spent hours perfecting our lipgloss, and the exact shade of a s, but spent hours co about non-existent cellulite and invisible flaws in our skin

And I had ideas Things I wanted to do One of the boys I knew at school had taken a round-the-world trip and come back somehow removed and unknowable, like he wasn’t the same scuffed eleven-year-old who used to blow spit bubbles during double French I had booked a cheap flight to Australia on a whiht coave him, the unknownness He had blown in with the soft breezes of a wider world, and it eirdly seductive Everyone here knew everything about me, after all And with a sister like et any of it

It was a Friday, and I had spent the day working as a car park attendant with a group of girls I had known at school, steering visitors to a craft fair held in the grounds of the castle The whole day was punctuated with laughter, with fizzy drinks guzzled under a hot sun, the sky blue, light glinting off the battlele tourist who didn’t smile at roup of cheerful, giggling girls We were paid £30, and the organizers were so pleased with the turnout that they gave us an extra fiver each We celebrated by getting drunk with so on the far car park by the visitor centre They ell spoken, sporting rugby shirts and floppy hair One was called Ed, two of them were at university – I still can’t re for holiday money too They were flush with cash at the end of a whole week of stewarding, and when our irls who flicked their hair and sat on each other’s laps and shrieked and joked and called theap years and summers spent in South A to try for an internship abroad While we listened, and drank, I rearden where we lay sprawled on the grass She earing the world’s oldest hoody and noher I told her to tell Mum and Dad I’d be back sometime after I was thirty For some reason I found this hysterically funny She had lifted her eyebrows, and stalked off like I was theperson ever born

When the Red Lion closed we all went and sat in the centre of the castle ates and, after , we all found our way to thecider while so up at the stars, feeling ently swayed and lurched around uitar, and I had a pair of pink satin high heels on which I kicked into the long grass and never went back for I thought I probably ruled the universe

It was about half an hour before I realized the other girls had gone

My sister foundafter the stars had been obscured by the night clouds As I said, she’s pretty smart Smarter than me, anyway

She’s the only person I ever kneho could find her way out of the h I’ve joined the library’

Will was over by his CD collection He swivelled the chair round, and waited while I put his drink in his cup holder ‘Really? What are you reading?’

‘Oh, nothing sensible You wouldn’t like it Just boy- my Flannery O’Connor the other day’ He took a sip of his drink ‘When I was ill’

‘The short stories? I can’t believe you noticed that’

‘I couldn’t help but notice You left the book out on the side I can’t pick it up’

‘Ah’

‘So don’t read rubbish Take the O’Connor stories home Read them instead’

I was about to say no, and then I realized I didn’t really knohy I was refusing ‘All right I’ll bring them back as soon as I’ve finished’

‘Put some music on forat its rough location, and I flicked through until I found it

‘I have a friend who plays lead violin in the Albert Sy near here next week This piece ofabout classical music I mean, sometimes my dad accidentally tunes into Classic FM, but –’