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He looks down at our entwined hands and mumbles, "And yet I like your stubbornness"
And abruptly, he releases them I let them fall to my sides, where they ache coldly
He says, "Dismiss me"
"No"
"I’ve failed to protect you Someone else should--"
"I don’t want anyone else" My oords echo in the air around ht gasp I don’t want anyone else
He runs a hand through his hair, looks everywhere but at me Silence stretches between us
"I’ve been a fool," I ad likelike Alejandro I’ve made bad decisions Hector, you are the person I trust most in the world I would do better to heed your counsel And from now on, I will But I promise you" I force a smile "If I die? You are definitely dismissed" I hold my breath and await his response I know the morbid joke will either infuriate him or put him at ease
After a moment he shakes his head ruefully He returns my forced smile with his own feeble atte more than the warm-up series practiced by the Royal Guard In addition to strengthening and stretching your "
I exhale ht now"
"Turn around" Froently lifts it to shoulder level "I’ll guide your ed I am too deeply aware of the warel, the touch of his callused but gentle fingers And I a the slow, dancelike warm-up exercises of the Royal Guard with Hector as , I send Mara to bed early for soown, then leaves for a late night of poring over musty documents with Fathers Nicandro and Alentín
In spite of everything that has happened, in spite of my doubts about God and his will and his words, I still find the Scriptura Sancta to be a soothing bal each night by candlelight before sleeping
But I ae After I’ve read the sa, I toss the e of rab the candle and its brass holder from my bedside table and carry it toward the atriuuards, "I would like so their backs as I enter
The water inpool shiht to know that the moon is full or near to it As I approach with ht dance on the surface
I set the candle on the tiled edge of the pool
Before me is own of pale lavender edged in delicate lace The looseness of the gown drapes pleasantly, flatteringly, andbraid snakes around one shoulder alht I feel alht the oil lamp on my vanity so I can see better
The outline of htgown’s straps froround
I study h someone else’s eyes Would someone else look past the welted red scar, the faceted blue of ht softness in hs just brush when I stand? My legs will never be y and elegant like
Finally I allow aze to drift toward h that during the day, it is more comfortable to have theh to balanceat theainst their dark tips
Ximena always told me men would noticeBut norant in ht hand to cup ently, and it is a tiny battle to decide what I want to understand most: the feel of a hand on my breast or a breast in
It’s Mara She stands in the doorway to the attendants’ quarters, her hair ht I heard soht?"
She’s seen ue sensation that I’ve been caught at soardsThen she beckons with one hand "Why don’t you corab the puddle of silk at h the straps I stand and follow Mara into her room
Mindful of her wounded stomach, she lowers herself onto one of the bottom bunks and pats the mattress beside her "Sit," she says, as if she were the queen and I the , you know," she says
"I know"
A shaft of hand hits the opposite wall above our heads, leaving us in shadow It is the darkness and her patient silence that give e to ask, "Mara, have you ever had a lover?"
She doesn’t hesitate "Yes Two"
"Oh" How can so have had two lovers already? I’m desperate to ask about them, about what it was like, if either of them broke her heart But I can’t make my mouth say the words
"I’ll tell you about theht Yes"
"The first hen I was barely fifteen He o years older, a virgin like me We flirted for a week or two He was the handsomest boy I’d ever seen One day I took raze He followed, and I thought it was the , and then ere taking each other’s clothes off, and then I realized that the rocky ground was poking into my back, and it was very cold outside, and the sheep started drifting awayI changedI just endured It was over after a few painful seconds The next day in the village, he ignoredthe next year"
I stare at her shadowy outline in horror "ThatI’s "It wasn’t so bad You know, e Very strict He used to say he could tell when a girl had lost her virginity by the way she walked And I walked around very carefully for days after, terrified that he would know But he never did I was exactly the same person after as I was before Just,"Was it awful afterward?" I ask "To be ignored like that?"
"Yes I wish I’d waited, had the courage to say no or push him away But the awfulness didn’t last We both met someone else"
"Oh?"
She takes a deep breath, releases it "Julio was a little older Not as handsooat-milk scone with pine nuts that I smeared with honeyed apricots I sold it at ht several, and he always lingered to talk It was months before he kissed me Months more before we made love, which by the onderful Weto ask my father for h I think I know