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Perhaps the smallness of that world made my early loss more bearable, simply because I was looked after and loved by so many It made my later loss harder to recover fro life snuffed out on the brink, a shock to the sleepy community No one expected me to ain, I had lostpart and didn’t kno to run barefoot

The early loss I refer to was the death of my mother I was just shy of nine years when Janelle Jensen, wife and mother, succumbed to breast cancer I remember clearly how terrified I hen her beautiful hair had fallen out, and she wore a little pink stocking cap on her baby s to finally one too soon She had been diagnosed with cancer just after Christs and was inoperable By the 4th of July she’d already been dead for teeks I re our country’s independence, hating the independence that had been suddenly forced upon hborhood fireworks had

He’d looked at us, his four somber tow-heads, and tried to smile

"Whaddaya say, J-Crew?" His voice had cracked on my mother’s favorite fa fireworks?"

My dad’s na with the saether So she named each of her babies a ‘J’ nainal, because in Levan you’ll find families with all ‘K’ names, all ‘B’ naot it People even have ‘the the

So in my family ere all J’s - Jim, Janelle, Jacob, Jared, Johnny, and Josie Jo Jensen-the "J Crew" The only problem with that was that whenever h the litany of ‘J’ naht one I don’t knohy I remember this, small as it was, but in the days and weeks beforeover any of our na details of daily life that had once nificance, and she gave her rapt attention to our every word, our every expression, our everyfireworks that year My brothers and I wandered out to watch the neighbors set off bottle rockets and spinners, andto escape thesounds of revelry Hard work became my dad’s anecdote to depression; he worked endlessly and let alcohol blur the cracks in between

We had a s didn’t pay well, andWith three brothers ere much older than I, my duties on our little farh, and I expected myself to fill my mother’s shoes Jacob, Jared, and Johnny were 7, 6, and 5 years older than I was; My mom always said I was a beautiful surprise and, when she was alive, I had relished the fact that I was the baby girl, doted upon by the whole faed, and nobody wanted a baby anymore

Initially, we had more help than we knehat to do with Levan is the only town I knohere no assignments are ever made to feed a fas the day before the funeral and then again for an hour right before the service After the funeral and the burial the fae ood wo a cake," or "I’ll supply the potatoes" The food just arrives - a plethora of meats, salads, and side dishes, cakes, pastries and pies The wo you’ve ever seen I re the tables laden with food afterat the beautiful assortle bite I was too young to understand the concept of comfort food

The bounty continued for days on end after the funeral Soht for three weeks Nettie Yates, an older wo and organized the food, puttingit for later No family could possibly eat the ae boys But eventually the food trickled to a stop, and the people of Levan edies

My dad wasn’t very accomplished in the kitchen, and after months of peanut butter sandwiches and cereal, I asked s She came over on a Saturday and showed me the basics I made her outline in minute detail how to boil water (Keep the lid on ’til it boils, pull it off once it does!) how to fry eggs (You gotta keep the burner on low to cook eggs!) how to fry haer (Keep turnin’ it ’til there’s noLouise describe each step I wrote out recipes for pancakes (turn thehetti (a touch of brown sugar in the sauce was Louise’s secret), and chocolate chip cookies (it’s the shortening that makes them soft and puffy) Louise was frazzled at the end of the day, but I had lists and lists of very detailed instructions, written in e