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"You can’t have a world record if you’re two guys That’s not a world record"

Avery knows he should put on the music, blot out these voices But none of us can stop listening Because what isyou?

In the darkest part of our hearts, we used to think that ht

We don’t think that any, too, but the radio is off He oken by a hard pounding on his windshield--so lot

Cooper’s athering, so about clothes, about a shower, about getting ho to church this etout a next step He should care

But Cooper feels at tooin an e at a blank screen His parents aren’t going to change The world isn’t going to change He isn’t going to change So why try? He’s too tired to fight it, too tired to sneak into his own house, too tired to call some hotline or ask some contact to pretend to be his friend for an hour or two

We know: An almost certain way to die is to believe you are already dead Soave up But others of us did Others of us felt the pain had beco left to life but the struggle for life, which was not enough reason to stay So we signed out We caved But our reasons are not anything Cooper knows If he could step out of his life for a moment, if he could see it as we see it, he would know that even though he feels it’s as good as over, there are still thousands of ways it could go

His parents call again, before they leave for church

He turns off the phone But he can’t bring hi each other AIDS," the caller tells the radio host "I hope that when they’re dying of AIDS, they show that on the Internet, too, so children will knohat happens if you kiss like that"

The host chuckles, asks for the next caller

"Turn that off"

Neil has come into the kitchen, and he can’t believe what his parents are listening to, with his sister right there

"What?" his father asks, blinking up frooes over and turns off the radio "How can you listen to that? How?"

"We weren’t really listening," his mother says "It was just on"

"The woe eleven, reports

Neil’s father gives her a shushing glance Neil’s ," she repeats

Neil knows he should let it go This household operates through a series of unspoken truces, negotiated by instinct more than by actual conversation Neil has always considered his gyness to be an open secret with his parents They’ve met Peter, they knohat the story is, but the story is never said out loud Neil can lead his version of his life, and his parents can believe in their version of their good son

But open secret is a lie we like to tell ourselves It’s a lie we often told ourselves, in both sickness and in health It doesn’t work, because if you feel you still have a secret, there is no way to be truly open In the interest of self-preservation, it is so hidden But there usually co his nohen you don’t want self-preservation to define who you are, or who your family is Truces may stop the battles, but part of you will always feel like you’re at war

Neil should let it go, but he doesn’t He thinks of Craig and Harry kissing, even though he can’t remember their names He thinks of Peter, and of how Peter’s parents take Neil in, extend their family so that he’s like ato the trash talk on the radio and his parents letting it go unanswered

"How can you not hear that?" he asks hissaid, how can you just sit there?"

Neil never talks to his mother like this Not since he was little, not since it was forced out of him by punishment after punishood cop Neil is tired of his parents being cops at all

"We really didn’t hear it If we had, ould have turned it off We were listening to the news at the top of the hour and left it on"

"When someone talks like that, you should hear it!" Neil says, his voice rising

His mother looks at him like he’s an incompetent ey son"

Miranda’s jaw drops theatrically This is, to her, thefamily conversation to ever, ever happen Neil couldn’t have shocked them more if he’d used a dirty word

He’s broken the truce

"Neil …," his dad begins, his tone half warning, half sy that all io back to the countries they’re fro, you’d hear it If they were saying they hope that all Koreans die of AIDS, your blood would boil higher with every single word But when it’s gys they’re talking about, you let it slide You don’t bother to hear it It’s acceptable to you Even if you don’t agree with it--and I a Peter--you accept it when someone else says it You let it happen"

We tried to tell the We tried to tell the We needed doctors We needed scientists Most of all, we needed et money, we needed attention We put our lives in other people’s hands, and for the most part, they looked at us blankly and said, What lives? What hands?

"I ay You have to understand that, and you have to understand that we are not really a family until you understand that"

Neil’s father shakes his head "Of course we’re a faotten into you?" his ht here This isn’t appropriate conversation for your sister"

Appropriate The word is a well-dressed cage, used to capture the truth and hang it in a room that no one ventures into

"She needs to hear this," Neil says "Why shouldn’t she hear this? You know I’y, don’t you, Miranda?"