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"Paul," Tony continues, "do you kno lucky you are?"

Of course I know this Although I have to admit I always tend to think of other people as unlucky rather than thinking of my own life as charmed

"I know I’m lucky," I say, perhaps a little defensively "But that doesn’t mean it’s easy Kyle said it’s easy for , Paul"

"Well, the way he said it, it was And the way you’re saying it, too"

Tony is sitting cross-legged on the floor, playing with a thread from his sweater

"The first time I met you," he says, not directly to me, not directly to the floor--somewhere in between, "I honestly couldn’t believe that someone like you could exist, or even a town like yours could entirely exist I thought I understood things I thought I would get up every ht with the saht my life would start only when I was out of here I felt that I had learned so I could do to undo the truth And I wanted to undo it, Paul I wanted to so bad Then I met you in the city and on the train, and suddenly it was like this door had been opened I saw I couldn’t live like I’d been living, because now there was another way to do it And part of me loved that And part of me still hates it Part of me--this dark, scared part of me--wishes I never kne it could be I don’t have the courage that you do"

"That’s not true," I say quietly "You are so s--your parents, your life"

"Kyle feels lost, Paul That’s all he’s saying And he knows that you’re not lost You’ve never really been lost You’ve felt lost But you’ve never been lost"

"And are you lost? Do you feel lost?"

Tony shakes his head "No I know exactly where I aainst I’m on the other side, Paul"

I can hear all the emptiness in the house I can see the way the pennants droop away from the walls of his room I know that he’s not happy, and it breaks ain "But this isn’t about me, is it? It’s about you and Noah and Kyle and what you’re going to do"

"I don’t care about any of that," I tell hiht now Talk to et I said anything"

"No, Tony Tell me"

"I don’t know if you want to hear it"

"Of course I want to hear it"

"I love being with you and Joni and the rest of the group I love being a part of that But I can never really enjoy it, because I know that at the end, I’ll be back here Soet, it’s bliss But this past week has been hell It’s like I’ve been pushed back into the shape of this person I used to be And I don’t fit into the old shape anymore I don’t fit"

"So leave," I say--and the minute I say it, I’m full of the idea "I’s You can live at my house I’s out We can find you a rooe You don’t have to be here, Tony You don’t have to live like this"