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I am amazed by the size of that ostrich

When Ms Kaplansky is distracted, I turn and look at Joni I don’t see any softness there I know it’s Ted and not er still surprises me If I can still feel vulnerability and tenderness towards Kyle (who du less than hostility towards Ted, who she’s left behind?

These questions haunt hout the day Noah and I pass notes between every period, little observation installments to tide us over until the next real conversation I see Ted and he looks awful-- sleepless and dressed to depress He mumbles a near-silent hello to me, then passes like a defeated shadoould rather have hi n-ups for the Dowager Dance have been posted alongside the jukebox in the cafeteria Infinite Darlene confides in n up forwhat to wear for the first ure out when the first ht that far ahead) She spits some venom about Joni and Chuck, who she’s decided to call Truck, "since the other alternative is just too obscene for a lady like iance to Joni, I say hello He doesn’t acknowledge me I turn to watch hi into his aring him She is too enthusiastic to notice Or perhaps I’

I don’t encounter Kyle until our plannedin the che him thirty minutes later than usual, he didn’t even ask uilty, both because of the truth I didn’t volunteer and because I know that if I had been in his place, I would’ve asked

Kyle and I sit at one of the chem tables; the words of our conversation will fall fro invisible s like cryptic wallpaper Neither Kyle nor I take cheround

I study his face--the close-cropped black hair, the scatter-freckles, the shadow-hint stubble He looks different than when I last really knew hiles are not so sure of the that on you in the video store," he begins, his voice steady and low "That’s not how I’d planned it to be"

"How did you plan it to be?" I ask, not to be snarky but because I aenuinely curious

"I planned it to be a s," he replies "And in the end, I couldn’t figure which one it should be"

"But now you’ve toldhim to take it all back, for this to be his one last cruel trick on my mind

He nods

"And what do you want froht in the eye for a moment, then looks behind me, to the periodic table of the eleht to do this I was really… I don’t knohat the word is for what I was to you I didn’t break up with you the right way So inside me flipped out and I… I couldn’t stand you It wasn’t your fault But I couldn’t stand you I needed to… I needed to obliterate you Not you personally But the thought of you Your presence"

"Why?"

"It was just a feeling--it was an instinct I had to do it It wasn’t right It didn’t feel right"