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"Because of what happened to Alana?" I asked, tentatively because Nate rarely talked about his ex-girlfriend She had died when they were only eighteen and Nate had had a really difficult ti on from her death

"Aye I pushed Liv away and I really hurt her, all because I was too afraid to go there with her I alood, Hannah There was a ht my stubbornness had destroyed us It was one of the scariest moments of my life And soht have been like if I hadn’t won her back It doesn’t even bear thinking about How does soret?" I felt his hand on ood teacher, Hannah I just hope a lesson in regret isn’t so you’ll be able to teach well in the future"

Nate’s words of wisdoh the rest of the day and well into the evening I returned ho with a box from my parents’ attic in my arms I duh the pictures of Marco and me from the last fewthrough that box and unearthed all my old diaries

For hours I pored over the docuthey’d collide with the new and so I did know for certain – Nate was right That kind of regret was a lesson I didn’t want to learn

CHAPTER 26

I knew there was so as soon as I stepped into the school

There was a hush in the air

Walking down the first corridor of the English depart from one of the common rooms I was about to stop to listen harder when Nish called out to me from the open doorway of the staff rooht So

"Can you co stricken

I hurried over to her and she gently guided me into the staff room Eric, Barbara, and two other members of the staff were in the room Barbara had tears in her eyes and Eric’s features were strained, his face pale "What on earth is going on?" I asked My pulse started to race as nervous butterflies took flight in rabbed hold of ht We just found out thisto lancing at Eric and Barbara "Is this a joke?"

"Hannah, I knoas a favorite of yours I’m so sorry"

"I don’t understand" I looked back at Nish incredulously "I don’t… I don’t… no" I shook ot into a scuffle with an older boy The wrong boy He pulled a knife on Jarrod Jarrod died in surgery"

A knife? Jarrod?

S, funny Jarrod, who I’d told umpteen times that he needed to check that short fuse of his Jarrod, whose mum and wee brother relied on him Jarrod A fifteen-year-old boy who had his whole life in front of hione?

No more?

It wasn’t possible

The sob burst out of me before I could stop it and then I was in Nish’s ar pain of his sudden loss into her shoulder As I thought about his naw at the in a dismal pall over their lives for the months to come, I only cried harder

The tears finally had stopped I attempted to catch my breath as I pulled out of Nish’s ar eues’ faces, though, and I knew they understood Jarrod had been that kid for me, the one where I really felt I could make a difference in his life It was hard in our job to feel that way, to feel like e diduniversity choices with Jarrod next year, helping hi proud of him and how far he’d come I’d felt like I saw him when no one else did and I’d hoped that it mattered to hihthts in my world

Where e to stop that?

How could it be that he’d been inabout hiible person to being a ghost, a player in a filain

"Hannah" Nish rubbed ether, sweetheart You’ve got classes, and you’ve got… you’ve got your fourth-year today"

Oh, God

Hoas I going to h that class when his e at me the whole time?

I blew out a shaky breath and wiped at , ive me a minute"

"His funeral is on Thursday," Eric told me "Thursday, eleven o’ clock at Dean Ce in my breath to hold back another flood of tears "Do you think they’ll give o?"

"Hannah, you were his favorite teacher," Eric said kindly "We’ll ether,with fresh tears

"Get rid of it now," Nish said softly "So you can face the kids"

My first class thathad not been easy, but it was my first-year class and they were subdued by the news of Jarrod’s death, which had already h the school halls, and they quietly put their heads down and got on with the task I gave them

It hen my fourth-years walked in that I felt myself waver and I had to turn my back, suck in the emotion, and count to ten before I could face them When they were all settled in their seats, I looked theirls and the shocked, pale features of the rest of them Even Jack looked upset

I knew some of them had never been touched by death, and most of them had never been touched by the death of a peer – soeneral belief in one’s own i and you and the world as you knoill still be there in the