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"Are you going to kill him?" I ask, but then add, "I mean not for me, of course, but for that other man?" I want him to say that, yes, it’s for me, but I know that’s not the reason

"You will be safe to live your life now," he says siet out of the car, shutting the door softly behind hts penetrating the partial darkness at the very end of the road And then he’s gone Just like that

What just happened?

I doubt I’ll ever be able to wrap my mind around the past nine years of my life and even more-so, the past couple of days As I stand here at the end of a driveway of a place fan to me, I realize that I can’t feel myself At least the person I used to be, or the person I was supposed to be but the opportunity was taken from me by Javier By e, a prisoner of a Mexican drug lord who although treated e sort of kindness, abused me in other ways I have slept with a man I didn’t love and who I didn’t want to sleep with forlife And Javier is the only man I’ve ever been with sexually I have seen rape and kidnapping and abuse in every form possible And I have seen death So o I watched the life leave her body as she looked at h thosea hand of cards, none of it is affecting irl And I knohy I just hate to admit it to myself: over the years I became used to it It was how my life was My mind conformed and adapted the best way that it kne

But now here I am back at home in Tucson, free to do whatever I want I could walk a few blocks to the little store I used to go to everyday after school and buy a soda and a bag of Doritos If I wanted, I could go to s or lay down in the field that surrounds the building and just look up at the stars until I fall asleep I could steal that bike in the front yard of lot number twelve and ride to my old friend’s house twenty miles away But the trailer behind ood And it’s right there It’s taking er than I anticipated to walk up to the door and find out if the only person I kneho could help me now still lives there

I can do whatever I want, yet I find it eternally difficult to choose where to begin Or if to begin at all

I guess now I knohat it feels like when a person has spent half of his or her life in prison and is released back out into the world They don’t knohat to do with themselves, they don’t kno to fit back into society They constantly look over their shoulder They can’t sleep past five am or believe that they can choose what to eat and when to eat it Violence and darkness and confinement is so much a part of them that half of them never learn any other way

I don’t want to be like that But right now, as I stand here staring at the blaring light on the front porch and letting it bring spots in front of my eyes, I feel like it’s how I’ll be forever whether I want it or not

A shadow moves across the front

I shove the stack ofmy tank top down over it and then I take a deep breath

I walk up the wooden steps and knock lightly upon the door

"Who is it?" a man’s voice asks froone from this place

"It’s…Sarai I used to live over at lot fifteen"

The chain on the door shuffles and then the door breaks apart A short, chubby man peers out at me

"How can I help you?"

He’s shirtless and his round belly hangs over the elastic of his knee-length gym shorts The smell of popcorn filters out the door and past ory live here any because I already know that she doesn’t

The man shakes his head

"Sorry, but I’ve lived here for two years now," he says "And I never knew of a Mrs Gregory"

"OK, thanks"