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I stand, afraid that if I don’t get out of there fast, I will back down And I can’t risk destroying Dao I--I’m sorry"

I turn and hurry toward the elevator, but he doesn’t let rabs my elbow to stop o"

"We are going to talk about this" The veneer of shock that had been all over hi brash and volatile I see the anger building in his eyes, about to explode out past the pain, the hurt, the confusion

"There’s nothing to talk about Everything is a secret with you Everything is a challenge Everything is a game This stuff about Sofia That crap you pulled with Lisa" It is both easy and hard to say these words Easy, because they are true Hard, because though his secrets and shadows drive me nuts, I have accepted the that around, bastardizing it in order to create an escape route

But I have to I just need to remember that I have to

"Goddammit, Nikki, do not co it off and be done with you I love you I a you walk out of this roo et out Have to run before he sees the truth under this mountain of lies

"I love you, too," I say, because it is the only truly honest thing I’ve said since I walked in this rooh"

I see the shock on his face, and I turn and hurry again toward the elevator This time, he doesn’t follow, and I don’t know if I’m relieved or brokenhearted

I step on, keeping h and my eyes wide and dry Then, as the elevator doors snick shut, I see Damien fall to his knees, his face a mask of pain and horror and loss

I slide down the polished wall and, finally, loseof my sobs

Chapter Twenty-Two

I keep Sofia’s scalpels, and every tiht around the cylindrical handle of the largest one as I force myself not to answer the call As I tell myself I cannot call him back no matter how much I crave his voice, his touch And then, in the silence when the ringing stops, I stare at the glea blade and wonder why I don’t do it Why I don’t just use this blade and set free all of this shit that’s boiling inside h I forcefor, and I’ive out, and one day I will press that blade againstflesh, and that I will finally succumb I am afraid that I will have to, because there is no other way to live without Daone to my office for over teeks now At first, Damien called me five times each day Then he dropped to four daily calls for a few days, then three Now the calls have stopped altogether and the lure of the blade is even more potent

I know that Jareat intellectual leap to figure out because they have both flat out said as et out," Ja blankly at all the newspaper clippings and bits ofto use for Damien’s scrapbook "Just to the corner Just for a drink"

I shake my head

"Dammit, Nicholas, I’m worried about you"