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And that’s soI want out of life I can have it all with hiain

"You tired?" he asks His fingers are on ain Soft and s you at your dorm, or do you want to come back tome We haven’t had sex yet We had broken up before that had ever happened and I’ve tried to keep the pace slow this tietting tired of waiting on ive it away to just anybody I made that mistake before But Loden isn’t just anybody If I’ I can hold him off with blowjobs and larins at ood Good to ht now, but long term

~~

Loden’s new apartot back from summer break because he likes his privacy, which I can understand and relate to It’s been so long since I’ve had my own space I rooe and have had roo with someone else always there, or their mess even when they’re not

I like neat I like order I like privacy

His dad paid for this apart he owns I don’t hold it against hi it either

"Do you want to go to the bedroo h, right?

"Lead the way"

He pulls me behind hi a large bed taking up most of the room

Loden steps up behindhis way down tohimself better access

Sex is healthy It’s done every day, bydeal The tightness in e to pull away can be attributed to my need to be in control

This is fine I’ive this to hiMake us h to re it over my head He watches me intently, desire evident in his eyes Itmy inadequacies fro it onto the chair in the corner And then he steps closer to me, chest to chest, and I know this is it

"Are you on the pill?" he asks as his fingers trail alongtheir way toward my bra clasp

"Oh, uh, yeah Since I was sixteen"

He unhooks my bra and I stiffen I’m not sure if it’s his questions, or my insecurities, or just the fact that we’re really about to do this

"I’et tested every year, but we’ll use a condom until you can set up an appointment"

He’s clean, but I must not be?

"Okay," I whisper He plucks the lacythem I help him slide the back on his bed and he’s opening a condom

I tell reat He wants est sexual h school and even though all he wanted was an easy lay, he still took tihts away as Loden positions hie is back, that need to pull back and run But I don’t I press ether and close my eyes It hurts when he pushes into me My body is too tense I’m not turned on at all There is no natural lubrication whatsoever

He moans I feel ht It’s not dark enough to hide it and I can’t explain it This just feels so wrong

And I realize it’s because, nomyself, I don’t love Loden Not even a little bit

Maybe I can learn to love hirip his shoulders and try to get into the moment I will ht is pressing down onme feel constricted, smothered

I bite the inside of my cheek and pray he finishes soon I just want this over Next tihter, I try to think of so--to help pass the time And, God, I know this is bad I know it, but I feel trapped Not just by his body on mine, but in my mind In my decision In this relationship

I think of Chase and I don’t knohy I don’t knohy I turn to hih this h And that way the light catches his eyes, low And I think of howand loud His body shudders and he goes limp on top of me I run my hand over his sweaty back and wonder if he noticed my response to him--or lack of one How could he not notice?

I wipe ed to escape And then I wait for hio home

"That was incredible," he rasps

I watch hi the way It feels like it rips along my insides, but I hold my breath and ride it out He discards the condom and heaves hiain I don’t think I could handle it Not yet

I knoas a willing participant, but it al dressed as quickly as I can without being obvious

"You taking off?"

I clear my throat and nod "Yeah I need to study and unpack"

"Okay," he says He sits up and presses his lips against my back I freeze