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She bites her lip, shaking her head She brings her hands up to rub her ar that has me across the room before I even realize I’ve moved

I put myself between Annie and Loden and placeher toward the door

"What are you doing?" she asks incredulously If she could see her ar"

"I can’t--"

I stop and take her face intoinass Just co coo," Loden yells "We’re done"

Perfect I dropone around Annie’s and pull her out of the rooo until I have to open the car door

17

Coainst lass as I stare out the carI angle my face up so I can watch the stars blur past I love autumn The sky is always so clear

Other than theas one Chase loaded on o--the car is silent Nobody talks--not even Kayla, though it’s obvious she has questions sitting on the edge of her full ruby lips I feelI’m not Beautiful Carefree Happy

And she has Chase, who I know doesn’t have much more to offer her other than a hot body and fun times, but at least he will never tear her heart apart He just doesn’t have it in hi I do is right Nothing I do is good enough Everything is wrong Everything I couldn’t even make it a month this tireat, but it quickly escalated, everything going right back to where it e had decided to take the break If I’lancestoo sexy because I uy in a tentoo softly, breathing too loudly

The lyrics pulse inundone"--and I feel the tears sting my eyes Taste the salt in the back ofso strongly before I let my eyes flutter shut and just listen And breathe And try not to feel whatever it is that I’

The car pulls to a stop and a door opens I force , aze tracks him as he walks around the front of the car and stops beside the passenger side door His eyes lock withthe door for Kayla

I can’t seem to look away as she takes his offered hand and they walk up to the apart Chase leans in and kisses Kayla on the lips My sto into the back of his neck, prolonging the intimate oing to voles oneit widely He pushes the seat forward and pries my hand from ht line Not s Just a flat line devoid of any one emotion

I can relate

"Sit up front with uide er seat He tries to buckle ainst my cheek, and I smell the scent of his shampoo It snaps me out of my stupor I yank the strap from his hand and shove the buckle into place with a click

Allinside me screams "safe, familiar, hosis all right in the world

That I’ into me I finally look up froe It takes athe er to understand the ?

"Shh," he soothes "I won’t let it happen again"

I shift away, startled by his vow Afraid of the way I believe him Sickened by the way I can’t tell him the truth

I swore I’d ht God, I’ve been trying I’ve been trying so hard But I just keep screwing it up Just like e it Nothing I do is working and it’s only getting worse

Chase falls into the driver’s seat beside hly, and turns the volume down on theto be so tired I heard he got a new part-ti tables somewhere off campus I wonder if he likes it If he’s able to keep up with his school work Questions I won’t ask

"What do you want to do?" he asks, pulling hts

I don’t knohat he o to bed"

He nods slowly, but doesn’tlot of Kayla’s apartet a restraining order? Do you wantmy face

I open o kick Loden’s ass "Chase," I choke, "he was drunk"

"I don’t give a shit if he was fucking drunk, Annie Don’t do this Don’t make excuses for him"

I shake my head back and forth quickly asHe’s not like that--"

"Like what?" Chase throws back fiercely "Abusive?" He grabsit between us in the small confines of the car "Look what he did to you," he deaze and peer down atChase opens his hand and gently touches one finger after another tored marks, one at a time, until he’s circled around ot jealous and we argued He grabbed me, but he didn’t mean to hurt me He would never do this on purpose He knows his jealousy is a proble to work on it"

I haven’t taken my eyes away from his hand He hasn’t rele out froht now? You don’t bla is rainbows and butterflies because he’s trying?"

I bla is far fro to forgive," I say instead

Chase laughs with coear into drive "I’uys would have made up by now" His voice is low, his tone full of sarcase me You don’t understand"