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I look at him then, really look at him, and realize that the darkness--the remoteness--that has been in his eyes all day has vanished In its place is the lightness I’ more I don’t knohat it is, and I couldn’t describe it even if I wanted to But whatever it is, it’s gotinintoin my life has ever felt better

I tilt my head, open for hi all the broken shards ofme pieces of hi at his sie to pull it free from his jeans I want to feel hiolden skin To slide ers over it and feel hiasps as I finally ainst the hard,in between us now, no fabric barricade to get in the way of ers up his spine, then back down again I circle around to the front, to the six-pack that he’s rocking and the delicate little happy trail that stretches from his belly button down into the front of his low-rise jeans

I want to follow it, to delve deeper until I’, hard cock is inhiiven me

I close ainst his to deepen the kiss, even as ainst the sensitive skin of his lower abs Ethan groans deep in his throat, and I want to go farther To drop to my knees in front of him, take hih hiine what it would be like to have Ethan in es of Brandon forcing led in my hair as his ht away, and the desire I’ vanishes in the space between one breath and the next Ethan drops his arms, steps back, then smiles ruefully as he tucks his shirt back into his jeans "You ht"

I feelin relief Yes, I tell myself Let him think I stopped because of where we are, not because of who I am Not because of a past I just can’t conquer, no matter how much I want to

"You okay?" he asks when I don’t say anything His palets to ers with my own

"Yeah" My voice is still husky--with desire or fear, I’m not sure which I decide not to dwell on it Why bother when doing so won’t give me any et out of here?"

I think about his question, turn it over in my head Then reach a very unexpected conclusion "You knohat I really want to do?"

"What?"

I point across the landscaping, deep into the heart of Balboa Park "Go to the zoo"

Hours later, I turn to Ethan and ask, "So, what do you think?"

He eyes the penguin hat on top of o one better"

"The flauin "You don’t think it’s too pink?"

"It’s a flao It’s supposed to be pink"

"But does it clash with ether At least not this close"

For a second, Ethan doesn’t react at all Then he throws back his head and laughs and laughs, in a way I’ve never heard from him before At first I’ before I’ with him Ethan’s amusement is like that--totally infectious

It’s been a good day at the zoo We’ve seen the giraffes and the zebras, the hippos and the polar bears We even got a glimpse of the new baby panda It was absolutely adorable, so precious and tiny

Noe’re in the gift shop, where Ethan has insisted on buying ether At first I resisted, but the fact of theto remember today with at least as much as he wants to buy it for me So I decided what the hell and have spent the last half hour looking for the most absurd ?" I ask, reaching for a giant green top hat that has an equally giant tree frog attached to it

Ethan conteustily "The flao it is, then" I hand it to him with a flourish, then watch as he makes a beeline toward the nearest cashier to pay for it

I wander through the store while I wait for hi in front of one of those old-fashioned coin machines The kind where you stick in fifty cents and a penny and it stretches out the penny and in of your choice I’e at the bottoe and put it in the n, because Ethan was as enthralled by the little guy as I was, and then crank the handle until my shiny, stretched penny coo hat, but it’ll have to do At least for now

I slip it intoin hand "You ready to go?"

"You bet" I reach for the bag "But I absolutely insist on wearing the hat home"

"I’d be upset if you didn’t And renore anyone who says it clashes with your hair"

I stick lare But he just leans forward and kisses ue deep into his ood that I start to melt, to open--we are in the middle of a crowded store, e of twelve

I settle for holding his hand on the way to the car, and I’ether that it’s a miracle I don’t take off under my oer I knoas just a si Ethan relaxed and having a good tiets to me Makes me relax as well All the crap I have to deal with at work, with my parents, with my own psyche, takes a backseat to this sunny, perfect afternoon

Not even the paparazzi standing near the zoo exit as we leave can put a dent in rowls a little at the intrusion, pulls me close, but I can tell he doesn’t really mind, either Hell, with his life he’s probably used to it Besides, it’s not like I’h to et picked up, I’ll probably be described as Ethan’s new lady friend or some such ridiculous moniker Which is more than fine with me--I don’t need or want to add fame to my already fucked-up life My ebullient et to La Jolla, the e I think of the VA hospital and all the men I met there today Soood spirits, but others are completely destroyed by what has happened to the to understand that there is nothing I can do to help them