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The sudden burst of adrenaline was gone, and now my hands lay limp in my lap Jack steered the car over a speed bump The jolt whipped y, I would’ve been able to resist it, but I had nothing left in me
"Sorry," Jack said He pulled the car over
Cole had said I couldn’t go a day without feeding on hi to feel the truth of those words I felt it frohettito do?" I said
"Hospital" It wasn’t a question
"You know they can’t help" I didn’t want to spend my last oith doctors running pointless tests and turning over rocks looking for stray hearts
Jack closed his eyes and sighed "Can you think of anywhere else he would be? Has he ever ?"
For the first tinition I raised ertips down his cheek A single teardrop followed the trail I’d just traced
I rackedto remember any old haunts of Cole’s But the band traveled around soa concert or they were in their condo
I looked at Jack and shook rabbed it out of , his eyes ith hope
"Is it Cole?" I said
Jack’s face fell "No It’s Jules She wants to know if you’re feeling better I told her you weren’t in class because you were sick"
Jack set down the phone and looked at me
"Take me home," I said
We were quiet on the drive ho the sinking hope in my chest I had no idea how it had co atCole for the hundredth tiot no response
"Should we check his place again?" Jack asked
I shook my head "Just take me home," I said "I’m tired And I want to be with you"
Jack’s lips thinned into a tight, white line "This isn’t it, Becks It isn’t"
"I know," I said We’d never openly adht was over We didn’t operate that way "I just want to rest for a little bit, and then we can start looking again But listen If Cole doesn’t make it back in time--"
"Don’t say that, Becks"
"I know It’s going to work out But if so Just stay far away Stay safe"
Jack’s lips relaxed and for in and out with the pain of a heart that was breaking He took ainst his chest
"Do you feel that?" he said
I blinked and nodded
"This heart is yours It belongs to you It beats only for you And somewhere out there is a heart without a ho up until we find it"
"Nobody’s giving up"
He nodded almost imperceptibly and then turned the car back onto the road and in the direction of ht ahead out the windshield atnothing He put the car in park and let it idle, an autonition
I decided there was no hurry to get inside We’d do this at our own pace My dad and To dinner, and I was in no hurry for anything reseht like any other It was the only way to have hope Besides, I’d learned long ago that good-byes were useless The tis left unsaid and toowords to escape o to your rooain"
I nodded, knowing that once ere inside, we’d probably never leave
I tried to s, but I only ain
Jack squeezed h to you," he said "It’s impossible"
"I used to want to fill every nook and cranny," I said sleepily "My nooks were made for your crannies"
I felt Jack’s cheek pull up in a smile "That they were"
He carried ainst the crook between his shoulder and his neck As we passed the kitchen, I heard my dad ask Tommy a question, but I couldn’t make out the specific words
Then ere on the bed, face-to-face
I never wanted to stop staring at his face, but before I knew it, ers strokedJust rest And when you’re up to it, we’ll go looking again"
I nodded, relieved that he wasn’t trying to leave o search for Cole on his own If he did, and I slipped ahile he was gone
We lay like that for a long ti their way intoall around me, pieces of lives deposited at my feet
Each time, I forcedain," I said to Jack
"I won’t," he answered But I could’ve guessed that was so neither of us could control, and just after I’d said it, I was out
My bedroom
I dreae room, the walls of which are lined with shelves and shelves of knickknacks: urines and thimbles and tin toys that look as if they were et a closer look, because a wo red hair steps out from behind one of the walls of shelves
The queen Adonia
I back up and then turn to run out of the room, but the door has disappeared I turn to face her
"I see you," the queen says She said those same words the first time I dreamed of her
I shake my head furiously "No, you don’t"