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"Hello?" It’s Steven But Kate doesn’t know that I force ized "Hey, Stacey Yeah, baby, I’lad you called"

Always score first Re? Nothing i to get done for a while Yeah, I’ood as I thought it’d be"

Yes, my words are calculated Yes, I hope they hurt her What did you expectto here Did you really think I’d sit back like a chunore Steven’s confusion on the other line and coht? Sure I’d love to see you Right, I’ll bring the taxi"

Why are you looking atI have, everything I’ teeth with it I opened up my soul to her--and I kno pussified that sounds But it’s true So don’t look at uy, because--for once--I’ht now, it’s killing et their chests cracked open with a freaking rib spreader

With the phone still on my ear, I finally look up at Kate And for a second, I can’t draw a breath I thought she’d be pissed, maybe disappointed that I tossed her to the curb first But that’s not how she looks

Have you ever seen soer years And Jack, on occasion, hasn’twoot smacked--there was this expression It only lasted a few seconds Their whole face just hite…and blank I guess it’s shock, like they can’t believe what just happened actually happened to them

That’s what Kate looks like

Like I slapped her across the face

You think I should feel guilty about that? You wantbad I can’t I won’t She made her decision She made her choice

Now she can choke on it

I cover the mouthpiece of the phone "Sorry, Kate, I have to take this I’ll see you at lunch, okay?"

She blinks twice Then turns and walks out of my office without a word

Chapter 18

AFTER KATE LEAVES, things are…hazy Isn’t that how they always describe it? Victims of some catastrophic train wreck? That, in the moments after, it’s all unclear Unreal

I tell Erin I’et in the elevator, I look back at Kate’s office, hoping to see her again Just to tor outside A winter downpour The kind that soaks your clothes and chills you from the inside out It doesn’t bother me

I walk back to et horror film who doesn’t react, even when he cuts his own foot off with a chainsaw

But when I h the door--that’s when ain And I feel Kate

Everywhere

I can still see her eyes, heavy lidded with heat I hear her whisper in my ear as I fall on the bed Her scent covers ht here a few hours ago And I could touch her and look at her and kiss her

And now I…can’t

It’s like when soone because you just ran into theht there with you, alive and real And that’s the memory you hold on to--the moment you mourn the most

Because it was the last

When did it happen?

That’s what I can’t figure out When did Kate become so important to me that I can’t function without her? Was it when I saw her crying in her office? Or the first time I kissed her in mine? Maybe it happened when Anderson insulted her, and I wanted to kick his ass for it Was it that first night at the bar? The first time I looked into those endless brown eyes and knew I had to have her?

Or was it here? In my apartment? In any one of the hundred times I touched her…

God, why didn’t I see it sooner

All those weeks--all those months--wasted All those women I fucked, whose faces I can’t even remember All the ti her s her to love me

Gone

Women fall in love quicker than o down harder And when things go bad? When it’s not us who ends it? We don’t get to walk away

We crawl

I shouldn’t have said those things In my office Kate didn’t deserve that It’s not her fault she doesn’t hat I want That she doesn’t feel what I feel

Christ, this is awful Just fucking killwhen you need one?

Have you ever felt like this? Have you ever held soht a home run ball as it flew over the fence? Or looked at a picture of yourself froave you a ring that belonged to your grandrandmother? Whatever it is--you look at it and swear you’ll keep it forever Because it’s that special Precious

Irreplaceable

And then one day--you don’t knohen it happened--you realize it’s gone

Lost

And you ache for it You’d give anything to find it again To have it back with you, where it was always supposed to be

I curlI stay there like that, but the next time I open my eyes and look out the , it’s dark What do you think they’re doing right now? Celebrating probably Going out OrYes, those are tears Liquid regret

Go ahead--call me a pussy Call me a bitch I deserve it And I don’t care

Not anymore