Page 46 (2/2)

He’ll be on a plane This afternoon, to

I wish I didn’t know that about him I wish I weren’t so sure of him, so unshakable in ht, always

I wish the right thing could be the thing that I want, but it’s not, and that leaves me here Worried about West Stuck with o and I’ to stay and I love him

It’s not fair

It’s just not

I walk a few blocks to the police station and sit on the steps outside No one’s around this early Only the occasional car putters through the coldbreak as of to only to freeze again

I hate this place today I hate Oregon, too--the ocean, the buttes I’ve never seen I hate trailer parks I hate West’sathe man I love away from me

So much hatred But my hate doesn’t feel poisonous or toxic It feels true, inevitable I have to hate these things, because here they are, parked in the iant metal box of Impossible, seams sealed, and when I kick it, it echoes When I knock, no one answers

Hating it is the only option I have

I’ there on the steps an hour later when Nate’s friend Josh walks out of the station and pauses to light a cigarette

"Caroline," he says when he sees me He’s inhaled, and he chokes on the smoke and takes a while to recover his voice "Jeez"

He doesn’t ask, What are you doing here?

He knohy I’ht he was ht he liked me

He ratted out West

"Is Nate in there?" I ask

"What? No"

"So it was just you snitching on him"

He looks like I’ve smacked him in the forehead with a mallet Totally unprepared for this conversation

I stand up for the sole purpose of taking advantage of his surprise Thinking of my dad in his office--the way he rises to pace when he wants to take a position of power over me--I even put myself a step above Josh Why shouldn’t I use whatever advantages I have?

Why shouldn’t I prosecute? Haven’t I earned the right by now?

"What did he ever do to you?" I ask "What did I ever do, for that et it I need you to explain it"

"Nothing I mean, I don’t hate you"

"You turned him in"

"No, I didn’t, I swear I--"

"What happened? Did you call in a tip, or did they pick you up?"

I watch his face with narrowed eyes, waiting for a sign But I don’t need to be sharp to see it--it’s obvious "They picked you up What did you do?"

"I was s a blunt inlot"

"You’re kiddingdope in your car at a grocery store? How stupid are you?"

Noon’t look at ave theh it was a lie"

"I didn’t have a choice"

"You had a choice You just chose as easy Why not pin it on West? Nate hates him, anyway It’s not like West is your friend He’s just a dealer He’s expendable He’s nobody It’s not like anybody loves hiht? He’s not as important as you No one is as irier I’ Not even at Josh At Nate

I was never really human to him Never fully a person If I had been, he wouldn’t have treated ust, not now

He’s behind this I don’t care if it’s Josh who turned West in--it’s Nate who made it possible Nate who convinced all our friends, Josh a them, that I was a psycho bitch Nate who treated ot aith it

I’ve spent so ry with hiry?

"Where’s Nate?"

"I don’t know Sleeping?"

"Is he hoo home to Ankeny for break yet? Or is he still here?"

"He went ho Josh there for … whatever For the crows to pick at For April’s rains to wash away

I don’t give a shit I’ve finally got force and velocity, a direction to point in, and as soon as I hit the sidewalk, I start to fly